Here for life

Honest question, how involved have you been feeling with your life lately?

It’s a funny question I know, but do you truly feel engaged with your life or do you feel like you’re on a hamster wheel simply going through the motions?

For me, I’ve been feeling like I’ve just been sitting back and watching time slip past. I wake up, go to work, come home, eat tea, go to sleep and then repeat. Nothing is bad, but then nothing is making me excited for the day either as I’m sure many of you can relate.

Thinking about this I feel like my main problem is a little thing called mindless scrolling. We’ve all been there, you’ve sat down and a few seconds later your phone is in your hand and you’re doing tha thumb motion scrolling through social media. You’re not particularly taking in any sort of information, you’re simply scrolling with no real purpose. How often do we do this? Truth be told I struggle to sit down with a book now because my attention span is shot and I want to see if anything has changed on my twitter feed in the last 30 seconds. By no means am I addicted to my phone, but I do have an unhealthy relationship with it and social media.


When I have the time to do something, like read a book or spend some time reading my bible or even pick up my sketchbook, I simply don’t have the energy to. It’s not that I’ve had a hard day and want to nap, I just feel like it requires too much brain power and scrolling through social media is far easier than that.

I’m starting to think that this lack of feeling engadged with my own life is partially caused by this need to be mindlessly scrolling on my social media pages. It’s not like I can justify it with my blog and call it work either (because let’s be real, how often do I post on Instagram?). I simply waste so much time in front a screen that making me feel a bit rubbish about myself.

So a few days ago I made the decision to uninstall Instagram on my phone. My account is still up and running, just the app is no longer on my phone.

I’d like to share with you my last few days. Continue reading “Here for life”

Things I’m grateful for- pt2

Losing some people

This one might seem a bit strange, how can I be thankful to lose some people in my life?

Well to start with I don’t mean people who I know that have passed away, what I’m taking about is the people in my day-to-day life who I’ve drifted apart from or left all together. I’m not a big fan of the phrase ‘toxic people’ because it’s harsh and degrading of them, but there have been people in my life who haven’t exactly been good for me. I’ve always struggled with the friends who have left my life and I cling on to a broken friendship for longer than what’s healthy. It’s only been in the last year or so that I’ve matured enough to understand that good that have come out of certain individuals leaving.

I don’t belive for a second that cutting someone straight out of your life suddenly is a healthy approach to things. No matter the relationship you have with someone you used to deem a good friend, however complicated it is, there will always be good memories you’ve made with them. Am I happy that some people are out of my life? Yes, I am. It might have taken me a while to understand that I am better off without them and they were capping my growth as a person, but looking back I’m grateful for changing friendships and losing some who weren’t all that good for me, but I’m also thankful for the good times we had when I knew then.

Spring

I say spring is coming, but there was snow on my front garden yesterday morning so I’m not all that convinced at the moment. But in theory, spring is round the corner. There are lambs in the field (none in our house just yet) and the daffodils are out. I think we’re going to be getting a very confused spring this year.

I’m usually alright with winter, but this year my mood has plummeted in a way I’ve never experienced before. I’m not sure if it was the cold or dark evenings but it hasn’t been the most pleasant. I can say with confidence that I’m looking forward to the oncoming spring.

Rubik cubes

I learned to solve a 3×3 rubik cube in September last year and since that I’ve moved on to 2×2, 4×4 and 5×5 cubes (5×5 being my favorite to solve). I’m by no means the fastest at solving them but I enjoy them all the same.

It was a guys I met on team at New Wine who inspired me to learn how to solve one. I’d never actually seen anyone do it in person so I didn’t really belive it could be done. Once I’d seen him do it I believed I could and a few YouTube tutorials later I solved my first cube.

What I never expected was them to help me with anxiety.

When I’m anxious I find it very hard to ground myself, thoughts fly around too quickly and if I don’t keep on top of it it will escalate pretty quickly. What we found was that solving a cube allowed a certain amount of predictability back into my life when I was having a flap. I was learning algorithms and found the structure to be very helpful. It also allowed me to focus compleatley on one thing and zone out to everything else. It’s very rare you will see me out and about and not have a rubik cube in my bag.

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Mistakes

Pretty cheesy I know, but I am grateful for my mistakes.

At the time I mess up it might not feel all that great, but over time through reflection I learn a lot from them. Sure, sometimes it takes a fair few screw ups for me to learn anything but even so, I am thankful for them.

Learning how to drive

I can’t say I enjoy learning how to drive, I find it very stressful and it’s a wonder how I haven’t had a panic attack mid lesson yet. But despite my nervousness to being on the road, the opportunity to learn how to drive is so important.

Where I live there is only one bus route that goes through my village. It’s expensive, only comes through once an hour and is never on time (not to mention that the majority of the drivers are very unpleasant to you). The bus works for getting to work and back but getting anywhere else is a bit of a task.

Learning how to drive is a step to getting my independence and growing that little further into adulthood. Not everyone has the opportunity to learn and not everyone can afford it either. So the fact that I have a job to fund it and I hae the opertunity to learn are two factors I’m very grateful for.


How about you guys, what’s 3 things you’re grateful for this week?

 

Putting yourself out there and the fear of the unknown- the life of a creative

After over a year since the idea was first materialised I hit publish on my Esty store, creating a listing for what I hope to be a fun little hobby in the making.

For those of you who don’t know Etsy is a global, online market place that mainly holds small, home-grown businesses. The majority of things sold are hand-made or of limited amount and the people behind the shops are really accommodating and helpful. I try to make an effort to buy as much stuff as possible from Etsy to support the small businesses there.

Since day one of discovering the platform I’ve wanted to sell on it. I make things for fun and thought it’d be a nice hobby that could bring in a small amount of pocket-money. The only problem was that I could never make the same thing consistently, and anything I did make was never a high enough standard to sell to people.

It wasn’t untill I was studying business and I took part in the £5 challenge that things changed. Continue reading “Putting yourself out there and the fear of the unknown- the life of a creative”

Things I’m grateful for – pt1

Throughout the past few weeks I’ve been doing a lot of reflection on my life so far. I’m not sure if this is because it’s only a matter of months till I’m 20 and I’m coming to the realisation that I’m almost two decades old  and most certainly not a child or teenager anymore, or if it’s from other things. The more I venture out of my shell and met people both online and offline the more I get a better perspective of life and how good mine is in comparison to some.

Like all, I have good days and bad days but no matter what type of day I’m having I want to start making a habit of staying thankful and grateful for the things in my life. There have been key events that I can look back on and immediately thank God for, the healing of anorexia is the one my mind goes straight to. But I don’t want to just been looking out for the big things in my life that God has had a part in, I want to be making a conscious effort to be seeking out his kindness in the little thing in day-to-day living.

So this is what this series is, one big growing, continuous list of things I am grateful for.

I hope you enjoy. Continue reading “Things I’m grateful for – pt1”

English afternoons

Today I was introduced to the delightful thing called cream tea with my mum. As part of her birthday present we traveled over to Ruthin Castle for a fun afternoon together. Over the years I’ve been able to appreciate time spent with my mum so much more than when I was younger. Through my recovery we would spend precious time in coffee shops and cafes making as many happy memories as possible in environments where I would have usually struggled in alone. Even though I’m now recovered from anorexia we still make a point of going out when we can and just enjoy each others company.

Part of making memories in the 21st century is with our phones and my mum and myself are no different. You’ll be proud to hear that I don’t take any overhead, flat lay style photos of my food (I resist that urge quite well I think), but a photo that we always take is a head and shoulders photo of each other with what ever food we’re going to eat.  I’m not sure why we started doing that one but over time I’ve gathered a little collection of them and today we added one more to that collection. Continue reading “English afternoons”

Emotional fizzle

It’s taken me three weeks to write this post. There has been 4 different versions and none of them have felt right. Having something so demanding to write whilst going through the motions and problems I was discussing in this post was a challenge to say the least. It’s not that it was difficult to write, more I just couldn’t write it. So, there’s no intro to this. I’m just diving head first as I think a few people need to hear this. Continue reading “Emotional fizzle”