It’s been a whilse since my last post hasn’t it?
Turth be told I haven’t really known what to talk to you all about, it’s been a very challenging month. Despite a lot happening, I just didn’t feel able to round it up with a possitive pink bow for you all.
It’s really been hard.
I had a panic attack again today, thank fully not a big one but enough to leave me in a mess.
I don’t usually come into college on Thursdays but today I had to. We’re selling at the town market tommow as part of the business course and I’m selling hand made candles. So I was up at my usual 6:20 and off to that dreaded place.
One of my main issuesis that I can’t handle a change of routine. So when my tutor says I’m done and go home, hours earlier than I had planned,my brain kicked into overdrive.
It sounds so silly right, a little change could freak me out that much?
I guess it was a combination of a routine change, being in a new class room, not having acess to my lunch card and being told I could leave earliy that caused me to get into a tizz. Infact this tizz was so bag that I couldn’t leave the class room.
I was too scared to leave the room.
I’m not sure what I was scared off but I ended up sitting at a table for an extra hour unable to leave. When I finall got to the place of stepping out the room I had to dash to the toilets as a full panic had taken a hold. After a calm down I tried to take controll and make my way home and to my bus stop, but I didn’t get too far.
I’ll spare you the details of what happened next, but I found myself sitting in the park. It’s usually full of dog walkers but today it was empty, giving me the chance to break down and cry. What I didn’t realise was that a medical contidition I have that effects my circulation had taken a hold and impacted my hands whilst my head was a mess and I was in a surprisingly large amount of pain.
So that sucked.
I’m sitting in a warm cafe at the moment, that I deem my ‘safe place’ in town where I run to when something has gone wrong and now talking to you guys. I’ve just warmed my hands up and got them back to normal where I can type.
Aside from the increasing panic attacks and having them two Thursdays running, these few weeks have had some amazing moments. I’ve eaten for 9 days running what’s a new record. I even got to speak to a room of about 35 Chirstitans about my testamony on Tuesday, what I loved. The situation at home might not be imporving but a family member who I was concered about has finally started to seek help and see someone what is a big step in the right direction.
These few weeks haven’t been terrible. But right now all I want to do is focus on how bad today was and cling to the feeling of failure.
Instead, I’m challenging myself to try and hold into the positives, sure today was horrible, but that doesn’t change all the good things that have happened.
So yes, today was bad but I’m refusing to let that spoil my smile too much.