What you seek

Sometimes I’m still insecure about my weight.

After everything that happened last August and God completely healing me of anorexia, I haven’t quite accepted this new body of mine yet. It’s not even like my weight gain was all that bad once I no longer had the eating disorder, I expected to blow up like a balloon and to be uncontrollably eating but that never happened. Sure to start with I was pretty bloated around the stomach area (after long periods of starvation your body doesn’t trust you so any fat it gains goes straight to your tummy area to protect all your vital organs) and my face was a little more squishy from my body retaining water. But in all honesty, I didn’t gain all that much and I didn’t get all that bigger either. Sure, I don’t own any scales and haven’t weighed myself since the disorder was no longer in my life, so mass wise I may have gained but in my physically appearance it wasn’t as scary as I expected.

I understand that at some point everyone is a little insecure about how their body looks and I know some of my insecurity’s do stem from that, and that’s ok. But my more deep insecurity’s about my body come from seeing other people who suffer from an eating disorder themselves and are at a dangerously low weight.

I don’t use the word triggering all that often, mainly because I think people have made it too mainstream and forgot the true meaning and power that word has. But using the word to it’s full seriousness, I still find unhealthy thin people triggering, it makes me wounder what I could have looked like if I just ran with my eating disorder just that little bit longer, maybe then all of the pain would have been worth it? It’s something I’ve felt a great deal of shame towards because God took away my eating disorder, so why do I miss it sometimes?

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Who’s up for a catch up?

Hello all, long time so no see.

I’ve been looking forward to when I could get back to blogging and chatting to you all. Since coming back off my holiday things have been a bit intense and finding the time and energy to write has proved harder than expected. However, I’m effectively unable to stand today, let alone walk, because of my feet so I’m trying to make the most of it by sitting down at my desk and writing. I’m a tad unsure what to talk about but I’m confident we’ll come up with something. I have my favorite film, Cirque Du Soleil worlds away, playing on my other monitor and a cup of coffee to my right so I’m going to get very sidetracked while writing today.

Seeing as I’ve been away for a few weeks I’m thinking today could be more of a catch-up post. I’m classing it as one of my coffee shop chats even though I’m not physically in a coffee shop right now but I’m sure you can forgive me for that. Continue reading “Who’s up for a catch up?”

Short hair and shorter poems

I’ve had my hair in a pixie cut for just over 2 months now.

I’d been after short hair since I was about 15 however, it wasn’t the best of ideas with me being a competitive dancer and needing a full head of hair to ram the bobby pins into. But several year later I plucked up the courage to make the chop.

I’ve always had a love hate relationship with my hair. As a kid I loved it long, but as I grew older and wanted to experiment more with braids I found it quite difficult. You see I have incredibly fine hair so those big full fishtail braids never looked quite right on me. Thankfully, I have an awful lot of hair on my head (when I’m not sick with an ED ) so that did help. For my prom my friends and myself decided to all commit to growing our hair as long as possible. However, by the time college rolled around I was after short hair.

I can’t say my desire for short hair was met with much enthusiasm (other than my boyfriend who was all for it), so I kept it mildly long. I danced between shoulder length cuts to short bobs but never committed to the full chop. But once I started eating healthier I began to notice just how quickly my hair was growing. The speedy growth of my hair was the final thing I needed to get me to do it, after all if I didn’t like it I could just grow it long again.

So I went for it, and I’m so glad that I did!

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