Fun fact, when I started blogging I was originally going to go under a different name. I knew how personal my blog would become and felt too intimidated by people in my life knowing what I wrote about (like seriously, very few people knew I suffered from anorexia and I had every intention to keep it hidden). Instead of going by my first name, I was going to go by my middle name, Faith.
Of course here we are a year later and I’m not Faith. Truth be told I thought it was a bit cheesy if I was going to be sharing my faith in God and went by the name Faith as well. So I stuck with my own name and hoped that people who knew me wouldn’t stumble across my blog. I wasn’t ashamed of my faith (I’d happily talk to anyone about it) but I was ashamed of the eating disorder I also spoke about.
For those of you who don’t know I’ve suffered with anorexia for 2 years now, but despite blogging about it regularly, I don’t think I’ve ever told the full story. However, today I’m going to change that.
The other week I was back at New Wine United and serving on team again. It was an incredible week, I met some great people, had so much fun, got to help young people and see all the great things that God was doing that week. During that week something quite incredible happened to me. I didn’t blog about it straight away when I got home as I was still trying to process what had happened myself and I wanted to make sure it was real and just didn’t happen in the hype of the moment. But it’s been over a week since it happened nor has it stopped when I got home, so now feels like a good time to share it with you all. Continue reading “Lets talk about Faith.”→
Yes you did read the title right, I did say feral kitten.
Last night my brother brought back a kitten from work, a very angry, scared kitten.
He is a ranger at a Nation Trust property. One day by their workshop they discovered some kittens. These guys weren’t your average domesticated kitty’s though, these were the equivalent of farm cats. They had no contact with people and hunted for their own food, the ones that will try to claw your face off if you try to pet them.Wild moggys are great for keeping the mice population down in the castle, so they decided to leave them and let them do what they were designed to do, hunt and kill.
My brother told me about them a week or two ago and we thought nothing more of it, untill last night.
Meet our latest house guest.
This angry, hissing, spitting, ball of rage is one of the kittens from the castle. Unlike the others though, it wasn’t from the workshop. This little was found alone by some dustbins on its last legs.
As tough as my brother acts, he has a soft heart so he volunteered to take the kitten to the vets to see if it could be helped. It was estimated that the little thing was only about 7 weeks old. With no mum or strength, there was no way it could hunt and would be dead within the nest few days due to the cold nights and lack of food.
As mentioned before though, cats are good at the property as it keeps the rodent population down, so it as decided that the kitten would be helped and one day let back onto the property. This is where my brothers big heart got the better of him and he volunteered to look after the mite untill Monday where he’s pass it on to one of his work colleges as she wanted a turn with the kitten.
That’s how we ended up with the small ball of rage in our home.
Here’s the thing though.
We have been trying to look after this kitten. We’ve been feeding it, giving it kitten milk from the shop, made it a home in a big cardboard box with a ticking clock, put a hot water bottle wrapped in blankets in with it so it can have some sort of warmth, but its terrified of us. All it does is hiss, spit, growl and swipe at us and let me tell you something, kittens have sharp claws.
This is too be expected.
In its short life, it’s never been cared for, it’s never been looked after or had interaction with humans.
It’s terrified of us and all it can do is defend itself from people who’s trying desperately to keep it alive.
It’s amazing how something so small can teach us such a big lesson.
In some ways I saw a lot of my own behaviors in that kitten.
Have I been looked after and cared for throughout my life? Yes, 100%. However, I have been very independent when it came to my problems.
Take my anxiety as an example.
As my anxiety increased over the past 7 years, I ran and isolated myself. Like the kitten found alone behind some bins, I had done the same and just like the kitten I hadn’t had the strength or life experience to survive. I developed anorexia and have been in a bad way physically for a while.
But then someone found me.
I’ve known God for 2 years but recently it feels like I’ve been found again. Gods scooped me up and taken me to safety.
Just like that kitten, who has us as a family trying to help it, I have people around me trying to help in the form of my church. But I’ve never had a church before. I’ve never had this sort of friendship and if I’m honest, it’s terrifying.
I’m left lashing out and pushing people away from my church because I’ve never had a church before. It’s new and scary and I don’t like it, my anxiety is seriously getting the better of me.
The doubts, the fear, the confusion, the suspicion, the anger and the pain just leaves me hiding away from this group of people who ultimately just want to help.
The saddest thing is, I’ve only just saw this.
I have no idea how to let them in though.
I’m really worried and scared.
I’m lonely and on my last legs. I’m fighting my eating disorder every day, I’ve gained weight and am slowly becoming healthier. It’s a slow process but I’m taking the right steps to get better.
However, my anxiety has shot through the roof and it’s the worst it’s ever been in all of my life.
I’m a mess.
I feel like a terrified, small, vulnerable kitten who hasn’t got a clue wha to do next. I want to hide in a small dark space and defend myself from anyone who gets too close.
But I’m so lonely and completely unable to get through this on my own.
I’m desperate for friendship and meaningful relationships, especially with my church.