“I haven’t felt free in a long time. I’m either trapped by anorexia or hindered by anxiety. I want to be FREE.”
“I’m literally at the cusp of recovery. I’m not in need of mans help at the moment, but God’s. I need to rely on him now, I needed to a long time ago. I CAN AND WILL LIVE A LIFE FREE OF THIS!!”
“I’ve never felt my heart cry out like this before. No matter how many counseling session I attend, how many books I read, coping strategies I use, I have never felt this before. I want to do more than cry because to cry doesn’t touch deep enough. I think I want to mourn, I want to let myself feel the pain I’ve kept behind bursting doors. Only Jesus knows what I’m feeling, I can’t trust this expression of pain to anyone else but him. He’s the only one who can feel it too.”
Above are three journal entries I’ve written within the last month.
Possibly for the first time in my life I’m understanding how hard it is to follow God every step of the way.
It’s really hard to follow God, there I said it.
To follow God through recovery is so hard. To hold Jesus’ hand is hard because he’s asking so much of me and yet nothing at all. I once read a quote that said God loves us just as we are, but too much to leave us this way. I’m trying to wrap my head around it. I am loved as I am, Jesus will have me just as I am, but I am loved too much to be left this way.
I’ve been told by so many people to just go to God. But just going to God doesn’t do anything. I have to GO to him. Continue reading “What real recovery looks like”
Ever watch The Simpsons growing up?
My favorite character was always Lisa (no shock there) there was just something about the pointy headed, academic girl with poor social stats that I related with.
I thought the program was so great that I would have it on every night in the weekdays and when I went round to my dads (who had SKY TV) I’d watch even more of it then. Looking back, I feel so sorry for my family who had to endure it whilst I hogged the TV watching it, making sure that they were all watching it as well. I’d got it in my head that because I loved something, everyone else had to too and had to be paying the utmost attention to it at all times.
There wasn’t any strong reason I watched this program so obsessively, I think the only reason would be was that other than Top Gear, it was the only other program I enjoyed watching. I’ve always been told that I’m beyond my years and this was the case with children’s TV. As soon as I moved up into secondary school, CBBC and CITV were off our TV for good. I stopped watching them all an attempt to be an adult (I was 11 at the time). Yet despite my attempts, I still really wanted something fun to watch on TV, other programs were just so boring. This is where The Simpsons came it.
My love for this program died off when I had watched so many I could tell within the first 2 minuets what would happen in the episode, because I’d seen it all before (we only had Freeview in my house so the episodes were all repeats). But even now, I do find myself flicking on the Tv to watch a sneaky episode. Continue reading “Your friendly neighborhood Christian”
If any of you guys are in education then you’ll know that the academic year is drawing to an end and for some of us, it’s coming to an end for good. I’ve spoken several times how this is my last year in college. Due to still suffering with an ED I thought it a good idea to take a year out before I moved out to University.
Unlike most, in my year out I won’t be exploring the world but instead I’ll be working and let me tell you something now, I’m beyond anxious. Don’t get my wrong, I love where I work, whilst it can be a tad crazy at points, I’m working with some fantastic people and I truly do enjoy what I do. I couldn’t think of a better place for me to be. Yet despite this I’m still anxious.
I’ve been thinking long and hard as to why I’m so anxious about college coming to an end and me starting full-time work. I know the people I’ll be working with (and I like them all), I know the place, I know my job, what is there for me to be anxious about? But after much thought I think I know why.
I’m going to be joining the adult world.
I know I’m already an adult by law but I’ve been sheltered from all the ‘adulness’ for two years. Being 19 I’m three years older than my class mates and it shows. I have a much more mature attitude than everyone else what has been quite lonely at points. However, I’ve had the same level of responsibly as them all, so have had no real need to be the ‘adult’ as that’s the tutors job. But in a few weeks I’m going to be joining this completely different world and I’m not prepared for it.
Continue reading “I am worth more than an illness”
At my house there’s only a handful of things you’ll see on our TV: Top Gear (or the Grand Tour when the new season comes out!), Yorkshire vet and some sort of Mega build type program. We’re most certainly creatures of habit in our house when it comes to the goggle box.
I myself am a creature of habit, I simply do not like sudden changes. However, since August we’ve been through some pretty major and harsh ones.
If you’ve every met me in real life you will know how hard it is for me to go through periods of change. More often than not I will have private break downs behind closed doors and be running off a constant supply of anxiety for the weeks after it. Change and me do not mix well.
I feel sorry for God in someway during these times of change. I’ve started trying to picture God as this big, warm comforting farther figure and me a small child who’s sitting on his lap (I got this idea from a book called Bloom by Beauty Beyond Bones). During these times of change I always picture myself as the small child squirming, lashing out and wailing with pain, but God’s big strong arms hold me close in a loving embrace. My tiny fists don’t even phase him and slowly I wear out of energy, my crying stops and God just holds me in love. Change is painful for me and boy God has heard my cries more than enough time about it. Continue reading “My relationship with change”
Today I’m breaking my radio silence about my recovery.
It’s a bitter-sweet post, there’s going to be good and bad. I don’t really want to share the bad, I don’t want to tell you all about my failures but I think I owe it to you guys. What type of role model would I be if I only showed the good side of thing? So, you’ll get to hear it all today, what’s apprehensive for me to be writing about.
So here we go.
The truth guys, the eating disorder has let go of me but I haven’t let go of it.
I can’t let anorexia go. Continue reading “Knowing when to let go”
When I was younger I went to an event called ‘World Thinking Day’ with Girl guiding. It was held in Telford and attended by hundreds of girls. That particular year, we were looking at different cultures. There were activity, weird tasting food and we got to meet some epic people.
One of those people was a lady from South Africa. I don’t remember much of the activity we did with her but she said something that has stayed with me even today.
Your words are powerful but your words can hurt.
As a 11-year-old I had already experienced several times how hurtful words could be yet I’d never considered them to be powerful Continue reading “Do you speak life or death?”