Lets talk about Faith.

Fun fact, when I started blogging I was originally going to go under a different name. I knew how personal my blog would become and felt too intimidated by people in my life knowing what I wrote about (like seriously, very few people knew I suffered from anorexia and I had every intention to keep it hidden). Instead of going by my first name, I was going to go by my middle name, Faith.

Of course here we are a year later and I’m not Faith. Truth be told I thought it was a bit cheesy if I was going to be sharing my faith in God and went by the name Faith as well. So I stuck with my own name and hoped that people who knew me wouldn’t stumble across my blog. I wasn’t ashamed of my faith (I’d happily talk to anyone about it) but I was ashamed of the eating disorder I also spoke about.

For those of you who don’t know I’ve suffered with anorexia for 2 years now, but despite blogging about it regularly, I don’t think I’ve ever told the full story. However, today I’m going to change that.

The other week I was back at New Wine United and serving on team again. It was an incredible week, I met some great people, had so much fun, got to help young people and see all the great things that God was doing that week. During that week something quite incredible happened to me. I didn’t blog about it straight away when I got home as I was still trying to process what had happened myself and I wanted to make sure it was real and just didn’t happen in the hype of the moment. But it’s been over a week since it happened nor has it stopped when I got home, so now feels like a good time to share it with you all. Continue reading “Lets talk about Faith.”

What real recovery looks like

“I haven’t felt free in a long time. I’m either trapped by anorexia or hindered by anxiety. I want to be FREE.”

“I’m literally at the cusp of recovery. I’m not in need of mans help at the moment, but God’s. I need to rely on him now, I needed to a long time ago. I CAN AND WILL LIVE A LIFE FREE OF THIS!!”

“I’ve never felt my heart cry out like this before. No matter how many counseling session I attend, how many books I read, coping strategies I use, I have never felt this before. I want to do more than cry because to cry doesn’t touch deep enough. I think I want to mourn, I want to let myself feel the pain I’ve kept behind bursting doors. Only Jesus knows what I’m feeling, I can’t trust this expression of pain to anyone else but him. He’s the only one who can feel it too.”

Above are three journal entries I’ve written within the last month.

Possibly for the first time in my life I’m understanding how hard it is to follow God every step of the way.

It’s really hard to follow God, there I said it.

To follow God through recovery is so hard. To hold Jesus’ hand is hard because he’s asking so much of me and yet nothing at all. I once read a quote that said God loves us just as we are, but too much to leave us this way. I’m trying to wrap my head around it. I am loved as I am, Jesus will have me just as I am, but I am loved too much to be left this way.

I’ve been told by so many people to just go to God. But just going to God doesn’t do anything. I have to GO to him. Continue reading “What real recovery looks like”

Your friendly neighborhood Christian

Ever watch The Simpsons growing up?

My favorite character was always Lisa (no shock there) there was just something about the pointy headed, academic girl with poor social stats that I related with.

I thought the program was so great that I would have it on every night in the weekdays and when I went round to my dads (who had SKY TV) I’d watch even more of it then. Looking back, I feel so sorry for my family who had to endure it whilst I hogged the TV watching it, making sure that they were all watching it as well. I’d got it in my head that because I loved something, everyone else had to too and had to be paying the utmost attention to it at all times.

serious

There wasn’t any strong reason I watched this program so obsessively, I think the only reason would be was that other than Top Gear, it was the only other program I enjoyed watching. I’ve always been told that I’m beyond my years and this was the case with children’s TV. As soon as I moved up into secondary school, CBBC and CITV were off our TV for good. I stopped watching them all an attempt to be an adult (I was 11 at the time). Yet despite my attempts, I still really wanted something fun to watch on TV, other programs were just so boring. This is where The Simpsons came it.

My love for this program died off when I had watched so many I could tell within the first 2 minuets what would happen in the episode, because I’d seen it all before (we only had Freeview in my house so the episodes were all repeats). But even now, I do find myself flicking on the Tv to watch a sneaky episode.  Continue reading “Your friendly neighborhood Christian”

I am worth more than an illness

If any of you guys are in education then you’ll know that the academic year is drawing to an end and for some of us, it’s coming to an end for good. I’ve spoken several times how this is my last year in college. Due to still suffering with an ED I thought it a good idea to take a year out before I moved out to University.

Unlike most, in my year out I won’t be exploring the world but instead I’ll be working and let me tell you something now, I’m beyond anxious. Don’t get my wrong, I love where I work, whilst it can be a tad crazy at points, I’m working with some fantastic people and I truly do enjoy what I do. I couldn’t think of a better place for me to be. Yet despite this I’m still anxious.

I’ve been thinking long and hard as to why I’m so anxious about college coming to an end and me starting full-time work. I know the people I’ll be working with (and I like them all), I know the place, I know my job, what is there for me to be anxious about? But after much thought I think I know why.

I’m going to be joining the adult world.

I know I’m already an adult by law but I’ve been sheltered from all the ‘adulness’ for two years. Being 19 I’m three years older than my class mates and it shows. I have a much more mature attitude than everyone else what has been quite lonely at points. However, I’ve had the same level of responsibly as them all, so have had no real need to be the ‘adult’ as that’s the tutors job. But in a few weeks I’m going to be joining this completely different world and I’m not prepared for it.

Continue reading “I am worth more than an illness”

My relationship with change

At my house there’s only a handful of things you’ll see on our TV: Top Gear (or the Grand Tour when the new season comes out!), Yorkshire vet and some sort of Mega build type program. We’re most certainly creatures of habit in our house when it comes to the goggle box.

I myself am a creature of habit, I simply do not like sudden changes. However, since August we’ve been through some pretty major and harsh ones.

If you’ve every met me in real life you will know how hard it is for me to go through periods of change. More often than not I will have private break downs behind closed doors and be running off a constant supply of anxiety for the weeks after it. Change and me do not mix well.

I feel sorry for God in someway during these times of change. I’ve started trying to picture God as this big, warm comforting farther figure and me a small child who’s sitting on his lap (I got this idea from a book called Bloom by Beauty Beyond Bones). During these times of change I always picture myself as the small child squirming, lashing out and wailing with pain, but God’s big strong arms hold me close in a loving embrace. My tiny fists don’t even phase him and slowly I wear out of energy, my crying stops and God just holds me in love. Change is painful for me and boy God has heard my cries more than enough time about it.  Continue reading “My relationship with change”

Knowing when to let go

Today I’m breaking my radio silence about my recovery.

It’s a bitter-sweet post, there’s going to be good and bad. I don’t really want to share the bad, I don’t want to tell you all about my failures but I think I owe it to you guys. What type of role model would I be if I only showed the good side of thing? So, you’ll get to hear it all today, what’s apprehensive for me to be writing about.

So here we go.

The truth guys, the eating disorder has let go of me but I haven’t let go of it.

I can’t let anorexia go. Continue reading “Knowing when to let go”