Where you stand

I’m starting this post off by saying I’m well and truly exhausted at the moment. I’m at work tomorrow and really should be switching off for the night and trying to relax before the day arrives however, instead I feel compelled to write.

I’ve been feeling a little lost in my blog as of late, some of you more long term readers might have noticed a subtle shift in my words. I’ve been struggling to pin point what’s been causing the uneasiness, part of me even considered if this was my season of blogging drawing to a close. I’m starting to think I’ve cracked where things have been going a bit wonky, I think I’ve took my eyes off the real reason for this blog.

Lost In The Story was created as an outlet for my recovery of anorexia, a safe place where I could just talk to other people and no one at all. This blog started off anonymously, no one knew who I was. I was simply a girl fighting an eating disorder and trying to find God in the mess of it all. I was a science student with no plans for the future, I wasn’t even sure if I wanted a future. Eventually though a small community developed here, whilst we’re only a small group I think I do truly have the kindest and most encouraging readers going – you’re all amazing.

The first year of my blog passed and I finished my science qualification and decided to do an extra year and study business. I started to take my blog more seriously in this year, I was learning more and more and soon was putting what I learned into practice here. I felt more empowered to try and turn this into a potential side job one day. I was still sharing my faith and my struggles but I think this was the first real stumble for me. I said right when I first started that this blog was never about making money, it was about sharing God and all the amazing things he was doing in my life.

Things have developed from there, I made more connections in the blogging community and often felt bad about how small my blog was. I knew people who had been blogging for less than two months and had ten times the amount of readers I had and I felt ashamed of that. I felt ashamed of how I had shared my brokenness in the past, I felt that I had been attention seeking by telling you about my battle with anorexia. I’d been told by the person closest to me that my blog would always be a step in faith because I’d never know what impact I was having on people, I’d never know if I truly made a difference. But I’d tried to justify needed a bigger audience under the pretense that the more people who read my blog, the more lives I could hope of helping. In reality though, I’d become insecure in my worth and was seeking it through affirmation on my blogs following.

In August God healed me of the anorexia, he took it away. But please notice my choice of words there, God healed me. I never recovered from anorexia guys, that’s the honest truth. At no point did I recover, everything that happened was through God. Yes, I seaked treatment, I saw professional help and I was trying to get better but that final push wasn’t done by me.

So much happened after that August and as a result I took an unexpected two month break from blogging on here, I simply didn’t know what to say anymore. I never planed for the anorexia to go, there were no plans in regard to Lost In The Story for when that happened. I came away from those two months with a very grateful heart, but something wasn’t quite right with my writing and I think I’ve known for quite a while.

I felt ashamed to tell you guys that I still struggle.

Please don’t mistake my words here. I don’t struggle with an eating disorder anymore, when I say I’m free of it I mean it. However, I’m still a broken person.

I’m not sure where this idea came from but after my healing of anorexia I really belied I had to stay ok all of the time. I thought that because God healed me of it any laps of not being ok would compleatlty discredit what God did, that if people saw me still fighting things then they wouldn’t believe that God truly took the eating disorder away. But guys I suffer terribly with depression and sever anxiety, not to mention another one that I’m not comfortable sharing just yet. I have chronic pain in both my feet and some days I can’t walk. I try to present myself as this positive, empowered writer who has it all together but I’m not. I’m still fighting, I’m still struggling, I’m in so much pain and I’m tired.

I’ve never told you guys a lie, but I’ve not presented myself honestly though and boy does that sting to admit that.

It’s taken a lot but I’ve had to question what I’m really doing here. Is what I’m doing reflecting my faith and Jesus or am I doing this to feel better about myself and my insecurity? I’ve not been showing you guys the full picture since God healed me and it’s not ok.

I naturally obsess about numbers, it’s a reason I fell so far into anorexia, and combined with the confidence and empowerment I came away with after studying business, I think my posts became more about the numbers. I saw what my fellow more ‘successful’ bloggers were doing and tried to copy in the hopes it would make me feel of some value. At some point my eyes moved from knowing my value and identity was secure in Christ, to feeling my worth came from numbers- just like the anorexia.

It’s time for things to change.

This is my third post this week, something I’ve never done before and it was done on purpose. The advice that’s given to new bloggers is to post consistently, in doing so you’ll get more views and followers. I try to post weekly and I put a lot of pressure on myself to do so. But that won’t work if I’m going back to where I stood originally with my blog. If I want to do this with God then I can’t put him under a time pressure. I can’t say to him to teach me something new and exciting very week so I can blog more consistently to gain more readers.

From here on in I’m no longer going to be posting weekly, I’m going to write when I have something honest, uplifting and beneficial to write. I only work four days a week so Monday and Tuesday have always been blog writing days for me and it might take me a while to break out of that habit. You may also find that I’m still posting at the start of the week on those days, but that’ll be because I’ll have the time on those days to sit down and write properly. But it won’t be because I feel like I need to write weekly and if I post any later than Tuesday I’ve failed.


This post has been long overdue and I apologies for that. I got so caught up with wanting to make a career out of wiring, to turn my blog into something ‘successful’ to prove to people I wasn’t wasting my time by spending hours upon hours in front of my laptop, that I lost sight of why I started this blog. I tried to make myself interesting and likable to please you guys, forgetting that what drew most of you here was hearing a story of a broken young adult fighting anorexia.

I’m giving Lost In The Story back to God.

This blog was never supposed to be about me it was supposed to be about this incredible God who was walking by my side every step of the way. So today I’m letting my blog slip from my death grip of control.

I have a lot of things string in me, areas that I want to explore with God and see what happens, so by no means is this the end of my blog. This is more of an exciting new beginning and I hope you guys are excited… I know I am.

So this is me signing off, I’m really hoping that it won’t be long till I’m back posting and talking to you all but we’ll see. As much as I enjoy chatting with you guys I really don’t want to rush this. I’m still going to be replying to comments and my inbox is always open if you want to chat in the meantime so don’t worry, I’m not disappearing off the face of the earth. I just need to sort some stuff out first.

Take care of yourselves and I hope to be talking to you very soon.

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My favorite things that were only possible with recovery

This post is quite a special one for me to be talking to you about. At the point of reading this I’ll be on holiday in Florida. I’ve never been abroad before, let alone on an airplane so I’m a tad apprehensive about going but I’m sure I handled it fine.

This holiday has been in the planning for over a year, I’m going with my Dad and step mum and I’m so excited. We’re doing the theme parks and hopefully the space center as well. I’ve been saving up for it constantly and fully intend to go nuts and make the most of the American sized portions of food. My bucket list of foods to try when I’m over are mac and cheese, a hot dog and a doughnut at breakfast.

I think that sentence just sums up how much things have changed in the past 12 months. Could any of you picture me saying that I wanted a doughnut for breakfast this time last year? No one would have thought it’d be possible and it’s amazing how much much has changed.

In total seriousness, I can’t wrap my head around what’s changed in such a short amount of time. I remember talking to my councilor over a year and a half ago, telling her that I didn’t want to be anorexic when I’m on holiday in Florida. I wanted to be recovered by then, but deep down I knew it wasn’t going to be possible.

God obviously had other plans for me as here I am 8 month free of anorexia, excited to try American food and make the most of the famously big portion sizes.

I want to try and encompass this feeling towards the fact that I’m going on holiday free of the illness and share with you some of my favorite things that have only been possible since anorexia left my life for good. There truly isn’t enough posts or information telling you how much good will come from recovery, so today I want to share with you what my favorite things are since recovering.


Continue reading “My favorite things that were only possible with recovery”

Emotional fizzle

It’s taken me three weeks to write this post. There has been 4 different versions and none of them have felt right. Having something so demanding to write whilst going through the motions and problems I was discussing in this post was a challenge to say the least. It’s not that it was difficult to write, more I just couldn’t write it. So, there’s no intro to this. I’m just diving head first as I think a few people need to hear this. Continue reading “Emotional fizzle”

In an age of planners and organisation can we really plan in our faith?

I had a weird realization yesterday as I scrolled through Etsy.

I was looking for next years planner, debating whether I wanted to stuck with my good old trusty bullet journal or transition into something much more flexible like a travelers notebook. I’m not sure how many others also give so much consideration into a few pieces of papers, but for me I just need a physical planner to get me through a year (I can’t stand any of that electronic stuff).

Pages deep into the wonderful site I’d settled on a planner (a travelers notebook) and was considering how many inserts I’d need and of what type. One lesson my dad taught me was to have a plan, a five year plan at the minimum and that’s a lesson that’s suck with me. I find myself very unsettled when I can’t see where I’m going, what my year will look like and it’s translated over into how I use my planners. 

I’ve chosen to use a travelers notebook for 2019 because I think it’s going to give me the flexibility a bullet journal can’t, but that got me thinking…

How much flexibility is there is my life plan for God to move? Continue reading “In an age of planners and organisation can we really plan in our faith?”

Lets talk about Faith.

Fun fact, when I started blogging I was originally going to go under a different name. I knew how personal my blog would become and felt too intimidated by people in my life knowing what I wrote about (like seriously, very few people knew I suffered from anorexia and I had every intention to keep it hidden). Instead of going by my first name, I was going to go by my middle name, Faith.

Of course here we are a year later and I’m not Faith. Truth be told I thought it was a bit cheesy if I was going to be sharing my faith in God and went by the name Faith as well. So I stuck with my own name and hoped that people who knew me wouldn’t stumble across my blog. I wasn’t ashamed of my faith (I’d happily talk to anyone about it) but I was ashamed of the eating disorder I also spoke about.

For those of you who don’t know I’ve suffered with anorexia for 2 years now, but despite blogging about it regularly, I don’t think I’ve ever told the full story. However, today I’m going to change that.

The other week I was back at New Wine United and serving on team again. It was an incredible week, I met some great people, had so much fun, got to help young people and see all the great things that God was doing that week. During that week something quite incredible happened to me. I didn’t blog about it straight away when I got home as I was still trying to process what had happened myself and I wanted to make sure it was real and just didn’t happen in the hype of the moment. But it’s been over a week since it happened nor has it stopped when I got home, so now feels like a good time to share it with you all. Continue reading “Lets talk about Faith.”

What real recovery looks like

“I haven’t felt free in a long time. I’m either trapped by anorexia or hindered by anxiety. I want to be FREE.”

“I’m literally at the cusp of recovery. I’m not in need of mans help at the moment, but God’s. I need to rely on him now, I needed to a long time ago. I CAN AND WILL LIVE A LIFE FREE OF THIS!!”

“I’ve never felt my heart cry out like this before. No matter how many counseling session I attend, how many books I read, coping strategies I use, I have never felt this before. I want to do more than cry because to cry doesn’t touch deep enough. I think I want to mourn, I want to let myself feel the pain I’ve kept behind bursting doors. Only Jesus knows what I’m feeling, I can’t trust this expression of pain to anyone else but him. He’s the only one who can feel it too.”

Above are three journal entries I’ve written within the last month.

Possibly for the first time in my life I’m understanding how hard it is to follow God every step of the way.

It’s really hard to follow God, there I said it.

To follow God through recovery is so hard. To hold Jesus’ hand is hard because he’s asking so much of me and yet nothing at all. I once read a quote that said God loves us just as we are, but too much to leave us this way. I’m trying to wrap my head around it. I am loved as I am, Jesus will have me just as I am, but I am loved too much to be left this way.

I’ve been told by so many people to just go to God. But just going to God doesn’t do anything. I have to GO to him. Continue reading “What real recovery looks like”