Where you stand

I’m starting this post off by saying I’m well and truly exhausted at the moment. I’m at work tomorrow and really should be switching off for the night and trying to relax before the day arrives however, instead I feel compelled to write.

I’ve been feeling a little lost in my blog as of late, some of you more long term readers might have noticed a subtle shift in my words. I’ve been struggling to pin point what’s been causing the uneasiness, part of me even considered if this was my season of blogging drawing to a close. I’m starting to think I’ve cracked where things have been going a bit wonky, I think I’ve took my eyes off the real reason for this blog.

Lost In The Story was created as an outlet for my recovery of anorexia, a safe place where I could just talk to other people and no one at all. This blog started off anonymously, no one knew who I was. I was simply a girl fighting an eating disorder and trying to find God in the mess of it all. I was a science student with no plans for the future, I wasn’t even sure if I wanted a future. Eventually though a small community developed here, whilst we’re only a small group I think I do truly have the kindest and most encouraging readers going – you’re all amazing.

The first year of my blog passed and I finished my science qualification and decided to do an extra year and study business. I started to take my blog more seriously in this year, I was learning more and more and soon was putting what I learned into practice here. I felt more empowered to try and turn this into a potential side job one day. I was still sharing my faith and my struggles but I think this was the first real stumble for me. I said right when I first started that this blog was never about making money, it was about sharing God and all the amazing things he was doing in my life.

Things have developed from there, I made more connections in the blogging community and often felt bad about how small my blog was. I knew people who had been blogging for less than two months and had ten times the amount of readers I had and I felt ashamed of that. I felt ashamed of how I had shared my brokenness in the past, I felt that I had been attention seeking by telling you about my battle with anorexia. I’d been told by the person closest to me that my blog would always be a step in faith because I’d never know what impact I was having on people, I’d never know if I truly made a difference. But I’d tried to justify needed a bigger audience under the pretense that the more people who read my blog, the more lives I could hope of helping. In reality though, I’d become insecure in my worth and was seeking it through affirmation on my blogs following.

In August God healed me of the anorexia, he took it away. But please notice my choice of words there, God healed me. I never recovered from anorexia guys, that’s the honest truth. At no point did I recover, everything that happened was through God. Yes, I seaked treatment, I saw professional help and I was trying to get better but that final push wasn’t done by me.

So much happened after that August and as a result I took an unexpected two month break from blogging on here, I simply didn’t know what to say anymore. I never planed for the anorexia to go, there were no plans in regard to Lost In The Story for when that happened. I came away from those two months with a very grateful heart, but something wasn’t quite right with my writing and I think I’ve known for quite a while.

I felt ashamed to tell you guys that I still struggle.

Please don’t mistake my words here. I don’t struggle with an eating disorder anymore, when I say I’m free of it I mean it. However, I’m still a broken person.

I’m not sure where this idea came from but after my healing of anorexia I really belied I had to stay ok all of the time. I thought that because God healed me of it any laps of not being ok would compleatlty discredit what God did, that if people saw me still fighting things then they wouldn’t believe that God truly took the eating disorder away. But guys I suffer terribly with depression and sever anxiety, not to mention another one that I’m not comfortable sharing just yet. I have chronic pain in both my feet and some days I can’t walk. I try to present myself as this positive, empowered writer who has it all together but I’m not. I’m still fighting, I’m still struggling, I’m in so much pain and I’m tired.

I’ve never told you guys a lie, but I’ve not presented myself honestly though and boy does that sting to admit that.

It’s taken a lot but I’ve had to question what I’m really doing here. Is what I’m doing reflecting my faith and Jesus or am I doing this to feel better about myself and my insecurity? I’ve not been showing you guys the full picture since God healed me and it’s not ok.

I naturally obsess about numbers, it’s a reason I fell so far into anorexia, and combined with the confidence and empowerment I came away with after studying business, I think my posts became more about the numbers. I saw what my fellow more ‘successful’ bloggers were doing and tried to copy in the hopes it would make me feel of some value. At some point my eyes moved from knowing my value and identity was secure in Christ, to feeling my worth came from numbers- just like the anorexia.

It’s time for things to change.

This is my third post this week, something I’ve never done before and it was done on purpose. The advice that’s given to new bloggers is to post consistently, in doing so you’ll get more views and followers. I try to post weekly and I put a lot of pressure on myself to do so. But that won’t work if I’m going back to where I stood originally with my blog. If I want to do this with God then I can’t put him under a time pressure. I can’t say to him to teach me something new and exciting very week so I can blog more consistently to gain more readers.

From here on in I’m no longer going to be posting weekly, I’m going to write when I have something honest, uplifting and beneficial to write. I only work four days a week so Monday and Tuesday have always been blog writing days for me and it might take me a while to break out of that habit. You may also find that I’m still posting at the start of the week on those days, but that’ll be because I’ll have the time on those days to sit down and write properly. But it won’t be because I feel like I need to write weekly and if I post any later than Tuesday I’ve failed.


This post has been long overdue and I apologies for that. I got so caught up with wanting to make a career out of wiring, to turn my blog into something ‘successful’ to prove to people I wasn’t wasting my time by spending hours upon hours in front of my laptop, that I lost sight of why I started this blog. I tried to make myself interesting and likable to please you guys, forgetting that what drew most of you here was hearing a story of a broken young adult fighting anorexia.

I’m giving Lost In The Story back to God.

This blog was never supposed to be about me it was supposed to be about this incredible God who was walking by my side every step of the way. So today I’m letting my blog slip from my death grip of control.

I have a lot of things string in me, areas that I want to explore with God and see what happens, so by no means is this the end of my blog. This is more of an exciting new beginning and I hope you guys are excited… I know I am.

So this is me signing off, I’m really hoping that it won’t be long till I’m back posting and talking to you all but we’ll see. As much as I enjoy chatting with you guys I really don’t want to rush this. I’m still going to be replying to comments and my inbox is always open if you want to chat in the meantime so don’t worry, I’m not disappearing off the face of the earth. I just need to sort some stuff out first.

Take care of yourselves and I hope to be talking to you very soon.

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Things I’m grateful for – pt3

There’s a post sitting in my drafts pile, all the content is there, I wrote it by hand in my diary and typed it into a post for you guys. However, I’m slowly becoming more conflicted about publishing it. I’m not entirely sure why this is the case, but I think it has something to do with the past week and a bit. I’ve been deeply inspired by other bloggers who talk so openly about their mental health and how through them being vulnerable, they’ve aided and helped their readers. Their words and stories have challenged me to share some of my own battles and thoughts. Sure, I’ve talked about my own struggles with an eating disorder on here, but nothing like the scale that some of peoples share. All of this has left me staring at this page unable to continue, too conflicted and confused to really do much else.

So, I’m putting it to rest for a bit and moving on to this one, I’m going to change my tune and instead of looking at myself I’m going to spend a while contemplating all the things I’m grateful for. Continue reading “Things I’m grateful for – pt3”

Make bad art – how drawing is helping me overcome perfectionism

Hello lovelies!

Today I’m excited to bring to you the third installment of my Challenging Perfect mini series that’s been developing over the past few years.

I opened my laptop this afternoon with no idea what to write. Truth be told, I’ve been feeling tired when it comes to my blog. As I’ve made more blogging connections on social media I’ve started to compare myself more to them. I see these incredible posts they write, how inspiring and helpful they are and can’t help but feel mine are a bit rubbish (got to love crippling low self confidence). After staring at a blank page for too long I closed my laptop in a bit of a huff and went to go take my minds off things.

My go to lately has been my sketchbook. I’m currently on my second Sketchbook what is an A4 landscape Art Gecko sketchbook. I did art at GCSE level and whilst I enjoyed it, I wasn’t particularly good in the sense that I was never able to develop my own style so everything I produced was a bit bland and forced. However, I’ve always wanted to draw and set myself the challenge to be able to draw before I got to university. I had an empty sketchbook from my school days and less than 3 month later I had filled it cover to cover.

So this afternoon I picked up my sketchbook, threw on some music and just played around for a bit. I ended up with some practice of creating patterns with my markers, a alrightish drawing of a girl and a cat with a bow tie.

Once done I sat back and just enjoyed flicking through the pages of my work, I even pulled out my first sketchbook and allowed myself to be proud with how far I’ve come with my drawings. Seeing as I’m a creature who struggles to stay on a solid train of thought for more than a few minuets, my mind quickly wondered to the past few months I’ve spent making as I put it ‘bad art’.

I concluded that I’d been feeling a lot more relaxed in myself and was coping a lot better when I made mistakes say at work. Sure I feel bad when I don’t do things perfectly, but I found I was no longer beating myself up for getting things wrong, instead I was taking responsibility for them and using it as a lesson to better myself and not make the mistake again. It took a bit of brain power to chase down why I was feeling this way, I’m no longer seeing a councilor and I’m off all medication, so why the change?

Turns out my sketchbook has a lot to answer for. Continue reading “Make bad art – how drawing is helping me overcome perfectionism”

Fitness Trackers and freedom

Fun fact about this post, it has been sitting in my drafts pile for over a year!

There have been so many reasons why such an important topic has been pushed to the side time and time again. It’s been rewrote more than any post I’ve ever done, never feeling happy with the end result. So I’m trying one last time today to make it work, if it doesn’t I’ll have to scrap it all together.

If you’ve read the title then you’ll know that I’m going to be sharing my journey with fitness trackers and freedom today.

Let me start with this, I have nothing against fitness trackers, nothing at all. A big portion of my family wear them to aid them with their training and gym life, I have friends with them. I think when they’re used well they work really well. If you’re starting the journey to a healthier lifestyle then they are a really good step in the right direction. What I’m going to be sharing today is my own journey with them, through my time as an athletic teenager all the way to suffering with anorexia and finally freedom. I know my story is a common one from what I’ve seen on social media and I want to shed some light onto a big problem.

I do want to quickly get some foundation knowledge down though, just so we’re all on the same page; fitness trackers DO NOT cause eating disorders. There are a lot of factors that can result in a person developing a ED and wearing a fitness tracker alone will not make you suddenly have one, but more on that later. Continue reading “Fitness Trackers and freedom”

Being a camera shy blogger

As a lover of photography there was one area that I never expected to have difficulty with as a blogger… taking photos.

I spent most of my childhood behind a camera of some sort, ranging from disposable cameras when I was really little to my trusty Nickon with all the bells and whistles. I’m a collector of memories and capturing a moment forever is my main method of documenting my life. So when I started blogging I was more than comfortable with looking through a lens and capturing quality photos. But the more I got into the blogging community and the more I interacted with other bloggers and their content I began to notice a pattern forming. Not only were people churning out high quality photos, but their photos included them! Lifestyle bloggers particular often show the blogger themselves in their photos and look stunning in the process. As a camera-shy introvert with serious confidence issues, this poses a real problem to me as I’m not exactly willing to be in front of a camera without serious bribing and promise of coffee and cake afterwards.

This present me with a conundrum, is it possible to be a blogger and camera-shy? Continue reading “Being a camera shy blogger”

Here for life

Honest question, how involved have you been feeling with your life lately?

It’s a funny question I know, but do you truly feel engaged with your life or do you feel like you’re on a hamster wheel simply going through the motions?

For me, I’ve been feeling like I’ve just been sitting back and watching time slip past. I wake up, go to work, come home, eat tea, go to sleep and then repeat. Nothing is bad, but then nothing is making me excited for the day either as I’m sure many of you can relate.

Thinking about this I feel like my main problem is a little thing called mindless scrolling. We’ve all been there, you’ve sat down and a few seconds later your phone is in your hand and you’re doing that thumb motion scrolling through social media. You’re not particularly taking in any sort of information, you’re simply scrolling with no real purpose. How often do we do this? Truth be told I struggle to sit down with a book now because my attention span is shot and I want to see if anything has changed on my twitter feed in the last 30 seconds. By no means am I addicted to my phone, but I do have an unhealthy relationship with it and social media.


When I have the time to do something, like read a book or spend some time reading my bible or even pick up my sketchbook, I simply don’t have the energy to. It’s not that I’ve had a hard day and want to nap, I just feel like it requires too much brain power and scrolling through social media is far easier than that.

I’m starting to think that this lack of feeling engadged with my own life is partially caused by this need to be mindlessly scrolling on my social media pages. It’s not like I can justify it with my blog and call it work either (because let’s be real, how often do I post on Instagram?). I simply waste so much time in front a screen that making me feel a bit rubbish about myself.

So a few days ago I made the decision to uninstall Instagram on my phone. My account is still up and running, just the app is no longer on my phone.

I’d like to share with you my last few days. Continue reading “Here for life”