Sometimes I’m still insecure about my weight.
After everything that happened last August and God completely healing me of anorexia, I haven’t quite accepted this new body of mine yet. It’s not even like my weight gain was all that bad once I no longer had the eating disorder, I expected to blow up like a balloon and to be uncontrollably eating but that never happened. Sure to start with I was pretty bloated around the stomach area (after long periods of starvation your body doesn’t trust you so any fat it gains goes straight to your tummy area to protect all your vital organs) and my face was a little more squishy from my body retaining water. But in all honesty, I didn’t gain all that much and I didn’t get all that bigger either. Sure, I don’t own any scales and haven’t weighed myself since the disorder was no longer in my life, so mass wise I may have gained but in my physically appearance it wasn’t as scary as I expected.
I understand that at some point everyone is a little insecure about how their body looks and I know some of my insecurity’s do stem from that, and that’s ok. But my more deep insecurity’s about my body come from seeing other people who suffer from an eating disorder themselves and are at a dangerously low weight.
I don’t use the word triggering all that often, mainly because I think people have made it too mainstream and forgot the true meaning and power that word has. But using the word to it’s full seriousness, I still find unhealthy thin people triggering, it makes me wounder what I could have looked like if I just ran with my eating disorder just that little bit longer, maybe then all of the pain would have been worth it? It’s something I’ve felt a great deal of shame towards because God took away my eating disorder, so why do I miss it sometimes?
Continue reading “What you seek”
I’m starting this post off by saying I’m well and truly exhausted at the moment. I’m at work tomorrow and really should be switching off for the night and trying to relax before the day arrives however, instead I feel compelled to write.
I’ve been feeling a little lost in my blog as of late, some of you more long term readers might have noticed a subtle shift in my words. I’ve been struggling to pin point what’s been causing the uneasiness, part of me even considered if this was my season of blogging drawing to a close. I’m starting to think I’ve cracked where things have been going a bit wonky, I think I’ve took my eyes off the real reason for this blog.
Lost In The Story was created as an outlet for my recovery of anorexia, a safe place where I could just talk to other people and no one at all. This blog started off anonymously, no one knew who I was. I was simply a girl fighting an eating disorder and trying to find God in the mess of it all. I was a science student with no plans for the future, I wasn’t even sure if I wanted a future. Eventually though a small community developed here, whilst we’re only a small group I think I do truly have the kindest and most encouraging readers going – you’re all amazing.
The first year of my blog passed and I finished my science qualification and decided to do an extra year and study business. I started to take my blog more seriously in this year, I was learning more and more and soon was putting what I learned into practice here. I felt more empowered to try and turn this into a potential side job one day. I was still sharing my faith and my struggles but I think this was the first real stumble for me. I said right when I first started that this blog was never about making money, it was about sharing God and all the amazing things he was doing in my life. Continue reading “Where you stand”
This post is quite a special one for me to be talking to you about. At the point of reading this I’ll be on holiday in Florida. I’ve never been abroad before, let alone on an airplane so I’m a tad apprehensive about going but I’m sure I handled it fine.
This holiday has been in the planning for over a year, I’m going with my Dad and step mum and I’m so excited. We’re doing the theme parks and hopefully the space center as well. I’ve been saving up for it constantly and fully intend to go nuts and make the most of the American sized portions of food. My bucket list of foods to try when I’m over are mac and cheese, a hot dog and a doughnut at breakfast.
I think that sentence just sums up how much things have changed in the past 12 months. Could any of you picture me saying that I wanted a doughnut for breakfast this time last year? No one would have thought it’d be possible and it’s amazing how much much has changed.
In total seriousness, I can’t wrap my head around what’s changed in such a short amount of time. I remember talking to my councilor over a year and a half ago, telling her that I didn’t want to be anorexic when I’m on holiday in Florida. I wanted to be recovered by then, but deep down I knew it wasn’t going to be possible.
God obviously had other plans for me as here I am 8 month free of anorexia, excited to try American food and make the most of the famously big portion sizes.
I want to try and encompass this feeling towards the fact that I’m going on holiday free of the illness and share with you some of my favorite things that have only been possible since anorexia left my life for good. There truly isn’t enough posts or information telling you how much good will come from recovery, so today I want to share with you what my favorite things are since recovering.
Continue reading “My favorite things that were only possible with recovery”
We’ve always loved to write letters, we send them out to so many people hoping that one day we’ll get one in return, so today I’m writing one to you.
I hope this makes you smile. Continue reading “A letter to my childhood self”
Well looks like I’m officially an adult now huh?
For those of you who didn’t know, I had my 20th birthday a week and a bit back. I had a lovely day and made some grate memories surrounded by family. I didn’t mind being 19 too much because I could technically still call myself a teenager. But at 20 I’m apparently now 100% an adult… not sure how I feel about that. I hardly feel like a grown up and in my head I’m stuck at 17 still but I guess that’s normal.
It’s been over a week since I hit 20, so this post is a little late, but today I’d like to share with you twenty lessons that I’ve learned in twenty years of living.
Continue reading “Twenty lessons learned in 20 years of life”
Honest question, how involved have you been feeling with your life lately?
It’s a funny question I know, but do you truly feel engaged with your life or do you feel like you’re on a hamster wheel simply going through the motions?
For me, I’ve been feeling like I’ve just been sitting back and watching time slip past. I wake up, go to work, come home, eat tea, go to sleep and then repeat. Nothing is bad, but then nothing is making me excited for the day either as I’m sure many of you can relate.
Thinking about this I feel like my main problem is a little thing called mindless scrolling. We’ve all been there, you’ve sat down and a few seconds later your phone is in your hand and you’re doing that thumb motion scrolling through social media. You’re not particularly taking in any sort of information, you’re simply scrolling with no real purpose. How often do we do this? Truth be told I struggle to sit down with a book now because my attention span is shot and I want to see if anything has changed on my twitter feed in the last 30 seconds. By no means am I addicted to my phone, but I do have an unhealthy relationship with it and social media.
When I have the time to do something, like read a book or spend some time reading my bible or even pick up my sketchbook, I simply don’t have the energy to. It’s not that I’ve had a hard day and want to nap, I just feel like it requires too much brain power and scrolling through social media is far easier than that.
I’m starting to think that this lack of feeling engadged with my own life is partially caused by this need to be mindlessly scrolling on my social media pages. It’s not like I can justify it with my blog and call it work either (because let’s be real, how often do I post on Instagram?). I simply waste so much time in front a screen that making me feel a bit rubbish about myself.
So a few days ago I made the decision to uninstall Instagram on my phone. My account is still up and running, just the app is no longer on my phone.
I’d like to share with you my last few days. Continue reading “Here for life”