Where you stand

I’m starting this post off by saying I’m well and truly exhausted at the moment. I’m at work tomorrow and really should be switching off for the night and trying to relax before the day arrives however, instead I feel compelled to write.

I’ve been feeling a little lost in my blog as of late, some of you more long term readers might have noticed a subtle shift in my words. I’ve been struggling to pin point what’s been causing the uneasiness, part of me even considered if this was my season of blogging drawing to a close. I’m starting to think I’ve cracked where things have been going a bit wonky, I think I’ve took my eyes off the real reason for this blog.

Lost In The Story was created as an outlet for my recovery of anorexia, a safe place where I could just talk to other people and no one at all. This blog started off anonymously, no one knew who I was. I was simply a girl fighting an eating disorder and trying to find God in the mess of it all. I was a science student with no plans for the future, I wasn’t even sure if I wanted a future. Eventually though a small community developed here, whilst we’re only a small group I think I do truly have the kindest and most encouraging readers going – you’re all amazing.

The first year of my blog passed and I finished my science qualification and decided to do an extra year and study business. I started to take my blog more seriously in this year, I was learning more and more and soon was putting what I learned into practice here. I felt more empowered to try and turn this into a potential side job one day. I was still sharing my faith and my struggles but I think this was the first real stumble for me. I said right when I first started that this blog was never about making money, it was about sharing God and all the amazing things he was doing in my life.

Things have developed from there, I made more connections in the blogging community and often felt bad about how small my blog was. I knew people who had been blogging for less than two months and had ten times the amount of readers I had and I felt ashamed of that. I felt ashamed of how I had shared my brokenness in the past, I felt that I had been attention seeking by telling you about my battle with anorexia. I’d been told by the person closest to me that my blog would always be a step in faith because I’d never know what impact I was having on people, I’d never know if I truly made a difference. But I’d tried to justify needed a bigger audience under the pretense that the more people who read my blog, the more lives I could hope of helping. In reality though, I’d become insecure in my worth and was seeking it through affirmation on my blogs following.

In August God healed me of the anorexia, he took it away. But please notice my choice of words there, God healed me. I never recovered from anorexia guys, that’s the honest truth. At no point did I recover, everything that happened was through God. Yes, I seaked treatment, I saw professional help and I was trying to get better but that final push wasn’t done by me.

So much happened after that August and as a result I took an unexpected two month break from blogging on here, I simply didn’t know what to say anymore. I never planed for the anorexia to go, there were no plans in regard to Lost In The Story for when that happened. I came away from those two months with a very grateful heart, but something wasn’t quite right with my writing and I think I’ve known for quite a while.

I felt ashamed to tell you guys that I still struggle.

Please don’t mistake my words here. I don’t struggle with an eating disorder anymore, when I say I’m free of it I mean it. However, I’m still a broken person.

I’m not sure where this idea came from but after my healing of anorexia I really belied I had to stay ok all of the time. I thought that because God healed me of it any laps of not being ok would compleatlty discredit what God did, that if people saw me still fighting things then they wouldn’t believe that God truly took the eating disorder away. But guys I suffer terribly with depression and sever anxiety, not to mention another one that I’m not comfortable sharing just yet. I have chronic pain in both my feet and some days I can’t walk. I try to present myself as this positive, empowered writer who has it all together but I’m not. I’m still fighting, I’m still struggling, I’m in so much pain and I’m tired.

I’ve never told you guys a lie, but I’ve not presented myself honestly though and boy does that sting to admit that.

It’s taken a lot but I’ve had to question what I’m really doing here. Is what I’m doing reflecting my faith and Jesus or am I doing this to feel better about myself and my insecurity? I’ve not been showing you guys the full picture since God healed me and it’s not ok.

I naturally obsess about numbers, it’s a reason I fell so far into anorexia, and combined with the confidence and empowerment I came away with after studying business, I think my posts became more about the numbers. I saw what my fellow more ‘successful’ bloggers were doing and tried to copy in the hopes it would make me feel of some value. At some point my eyes moved from knowing my value and identity was secure in Christ, to feeling my worth came from numbers- just like the anorexia.

It’s time for things to change.

This is my third post this week, something I’ve never done before and it was done on purpose. The advice that’s given to new bloggers is to post consistently, in doing so you’ll get more views and followers. I try to post weekly and I put a lot of pressure on myself to do so. But that won’t work if I’m going back to where I stood originally with my blog. If I want to do this with God then I can’t put him under a time pressure. I can’t say to him to teach me something new and exciting very week so I can blog more consistently to gain more readers.

From here on in I’m no longer going to be posting weekly, I’m going to write when I have something honest, uplifting and beneficial to write. I only work four days a week so Monday and Tuesday have always been blog writing days for me and it might take me a while to break out of that habit. You may also find that I’m still posting at the start of the week on those days, but that’ll be because I’ll have the time on those days to sit down and write properly. But it won’t be because I feel like I need to write weekly and if I post any later than Tuesday I’ve failed.


This post has been long overdue and I apologies for that. I got so caught up with wanting to make a career out of wiring, to turn my blog into something ‘successful’ to prove to people I wasn’t wasting my time by spending hours upon hours in front of my laptop, that I lost sight of why I started this blog. I tried to make myself interesting and likable to please you guys, forgetting that what drew most of you here was hearing a story of a broken young adult fighting anorexia.

I’m giving Lost In The Story back to God.

This blog was never supposed to be about me it was supposed to be about this incredible God who was walking by my side every step of the way. So today I’m letting my blog slip from my death grip of control.

I have a lot of things string in me, areas that I want to explore with God and see what happens, so by no means is this the end of my blog. This is more of an exciting new beginning and I hope you guys are excited… I know I am.

So this is me signing off, I’m really hoping that it won’t be long till I’m back posting and talking to you all but we’ll see. As much as I enjoy chatting with you guys I really don’t want to rush this. I’m still going to be replying to comments and my inbox is always open if you want to chat in the meantime so don’t worry, I’m not disappearing off the face of the earth. I just need to sort some stuff out first.

Take care of yourselves and I hope to be talking to you very soon.

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My relationship with change

At my house there’s only a handful of things you’ll see on our TV: Top Gear (or the Grand Tour when the new season comes out!), Yorkshire vet and some sort of Mega build type program. We’re most certainly creatures of habit in our house when it comes to the goggle box.

I myself am a creature of habit, I simply do not like sudden changes. However, since August we’ve been through some pretty major and harsh ones.

If you’ve every met me in real life you will know how hard it is for me to go through periods of change. More often than not I will have private break downs behind closed doors and be running off a constant supply of anxiety for the weeks after it. Change and me do not mix well.

I feel sorry for God in someway during these times of change. I’ve started trying to picture God as this big, warm comforting farther figure and me a small child who’s sitting on his lap (I got this idea from a book called Bloom by Beauty Beyond Bones). During these times of change I always picture myself as the small child squirming, lashing out and wailing with pain, but God’s big strong arms hold me close in a loving embrace. My tiny fists don’t even phase him and slowly I wear out of energy, my crying stops and God just holds me in love. Change is painful for me and boy God has heard my cries more than enough time about it.  Continue reading “My relationship with change”

The best advice my parents have given me about evangelism

Having divorced parents means that it’s quite rare my mum and dad will see eye to eye on a subject. However, there are the occasions where their advice compliments one another’s. One of these times came in the form of me sharing my faith with my peers.

I really like telling people about God, especially my friends. If I care about you in the slightest, I’ll want you to know God and what Jesus did for you on the cross.

However, none of my friends have given their life to God and as a young, easily excitable Christian, I can find myself getting quite down about it. I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong. I’m not afraid to tell them about God, to offer to pray with them and attempt to live a life that reflects Jesus. Continue reading “The best advice my parents have given me about evangelism”

How I’ve made it this far

This week I’ve been completing work experience as part of my college course. I’ve been at a fantastic place called ‘Designs in mind‘. They’re a designer and maker studio refered through mental health services.

I have another week left at the studio and I can say that I’m throughly looking forward to it. The project is just amazing and they’re making such a positive impact in people’s lives and the in the local community.

During this week I’ve had a lot of time for relection on my bus journey home. After talking with some of the people there I’ve looked back on my own path and my mental health and wondered how I’ve made it this far. Continue reading “How I’ve made it this far”

Things I learned from a feral kitten

Yes you did read the title right, I did say feral kitten.

Last night my brother brought back a kitten from work, a very angry, scared kitten.

He is a ranger at a Nation Trust property. One day by their workshop they discovered some kittens. These guys weren’t your average domesticated kitty’s though, these were the equivalent of farm cats. They had no contact with people and hunted for their own food, the ones that will try to claw your face off if you try to pet them.Wild moggys are great for keeping the mice population down in the castle, so they decided to leave them and let them do what they were designed to do, hunt and kill.

My brother told me about them a week or two ago and we thought nothing more of it, untill last night.

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Meet our latest house guest.

This angry, hissing, spitting, ball of rage is one of the kittens from the castle. Unlike the others though, it wasn’t from the workshop. This little was found alone by some dustbins on its last legs.

As tough as my brother acts, he has a soft heart so he volunteered to take the kitten to the vets to see if it could be helped. It was estimated that the little thing was only about 7 weeks old. With no mum or strength, there was no way it could hunt and would be dead within the nest few days due to the cold nights and lack of food.

As mentioned before though, cats are good at the property as it keeps the rodent population down, so it as decided that the kitten would be helped and one day let back onto the property. This is where my brothers big heart got the better of him and he volunteered to look after the mite untill Monday where he’s pass it on to one of his work colleges as she wanted a turn with the kitten.

That’s how we ended up with the small ball of rage in our home.


Here’s the thing though.

We have been trying to look after this kitten. We’ve been feeding it, giving it kitten milk from the shop, made it a home in a big cardboard box with a ticking clock, put a hot water bottle wrapped in blankets in with it so it can have some sort of warmth, but its terrified of us. All it does is hiss, spit, growl and swipe at us and let me tell you something, kittens have sharp claws.

This is too be expected.

In its short life, it’s never been cared for, it’s never been looked after or had interaction with humans.

It’s terrified of us and all it can do is defend itself from people who’s trying desperately to keep it alive.


It’s amazing how something so small can teach us such a big lesson.

From pinterest
From pinterest

In some ways I saw a lot of my own behaviors in that kitten.

Have I been looked after and cared for throughout my life? Yes, 100%. However, I have been very independent when it came to my problems.

Take my anxiety as an example.

As my anxiety increased over the past 7 years, I ran and isolated myself. Like the kitten found alone behind some bins, I had done the same and just like the kitten I hadn’t had the strength or life experience to survive. I developed anorexia and have been in a bad way physically for a while.

But then someone found me.

I’ve known God for 2 years but recently it feels like I’ve been found again. Gods scooped me up and taken me to safety.

Just like that kitten, who has us as a family trying to help it, I have people around me trying to help in the form of my church. But I’ve never had a church before. I’ve never had this sort of friendship and if I’m honest, it’s terrifying.

I’m left lashing out and pushing people away from my church because I’ve never had a church before. It’s new and scary and I don’t like it, my anxiety is seriously getting the better of me.

The doubts, the fear, the confusion, the suspicion, the anger and the pain just leaves me hiding away from this group of people who ultimately just want to help.

The saddest thing is, I’ve only just saw this.


I have no idea how to let them in though.

I’m really worried and scared.

I’m lonely and on my last legs. I’m fighting my eating disorder every day, I’ve gained weight and am slowly becoming healthier. It’s a slow process but I’m taking the right steps to get better.

However, my anxiety has shot through the roof and it’s the worst it’s ever been in all of my life.

I’m a mess.

I feel like a terrified, small, vulnerable kitten who hasn’t got a clue wha to do next. I want to hide in a small dark space and defend myself from anyone who gets too close.

But I’m so lonely and completely unable to get through this on my own.

I’m desperate for friendship and meaningful relationships, especially with my church.

But I don’t know what to do.