What was in it for me?

In my last post I mentioned that I was doing two weeks work experience at Designs In mind as part of my course. Now that I’ve finished my time there and I’m back at college, I thought that now would be a great time to do a reflection of the last two weeks.

If I had to describe what the place is my reply would be something along the lines of a really big smile appearing on my face. I can’t tell you enough just how much I love this place, as I’m sure you’re going to realise by the end of this post. However, a big smile as an explanation doesn’t really benefit you guys. Continue reading “What was in it for me?”

A book that shaped my recovery- Keys to FREEDOM

In August I went to an event called New Wine.

It was an amazing week of God moving and worship.

There was one thing I never touched on in any of my posts about that week, and that was the bookshop!

For those of you who read my post of my favorites of 2017, you will already know that I adore books. If you haven’t read it and you’re a book lover, check it out. You might find something that you enjoy. Continue reading “A book that shaped my recovery- Keys to FREEDOM”

Without struggles, am I a real role model?

For almost two years now I have been helping at my local Girl Guide unit.

During these two years I have been working towards the leadership qualification (LQ). It’s been such a challenging but rewarding process that I would encourage all women to consider.

I have learned so much during my time there and I know the girls will only teach me more and more. Continue reading “Without struggles, am I a real role model?”

High walls, tall falls

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from Pinterest

Having divorced parents meant there was a lack of a male figure in my house. I saw my dad yes, but it’s never quite the same as having your dad there 24/7. So my mum did the best she could with an unsupportive partner and my dad not living near by.

For this reason I grew up with the mentality of not waiting for a man to do it. That I shouldn’t rely on people and be a damsel in distress because no one was coming to save you, you have to save yourself.

The more I grew up, I didn’t want to be the pretty pink princess who sat in her castle, no, I wanted to be the princess with her hair in a braid, leather armor (I know, not very good in a fight but I was like 10) and a sword, not to mention magical powers, but mainly I wanted a sword.

I wanted to be a warrior. Continue reading “High walls, tall falls”

When the ground falls.

Today has by far been to most painful day I’ve experienced in a while.

On Tuesday’s I spend the beginning of my day in counselling. I’ve been having sessions for just over a year now and has always been a bit iffy from the very start.

I guess I never really wanted to see a councilor, in fact I fought it for a long time. In my eyes, only depressed business people saw counselors and that you would be sitting on a lonely couch in a sterile room as some shrink asked you how you felt when your cat died last year. None of this sounded appealing to me in the slightest.

But when I went to see my GP about my eating issues she had to refer me on to an organisation called CAMHS, the NHS’s child and adolescent mental health service. Continue reading “When the ground falls.”

Good week, bad day. 

It’s been a whilse since my last post hasn’t it?

Turth be told I haven’t really known what to talk to you all about, it’s been a very challenging month. Despite a lot happening, I just didn’t feel able to round it up with a possitive pink bow for you all.

It’s really been hard.

I had a panic attack again today, thank fully not a big one but enough to leave me in a mess. 

I don’t usually come into college on Thursdays but today I had to. We’re selling at the town market tommow as part of the business course and I’m selling hand made candles. So I was up at my usual 6:20 and off to that dreaded place.

One of my main issuesis that I can’t handle a change of routine. So when my tutor says I’m done and go home, hours earlier than I had planned,my brain kicked into overdrive.

It sounds so silly right, a little change could freak me out that much?

I guess it was a combination of a routine change, being in a new class room, not having acess to my lunch card and being told I could leave earliy that caused me to get into a tizz. Infact this tizz was so bag that I couldn’t leave the class room.

I was too scared to leave the room.

I’m not sure what I was scared off but I ended up sitting at a table for an extra hour unable to leave. When I finall got to the place of stepping out the room I had to dash to the toilets as a full panic had taken a hold. After a calm down I tried to take controll and make my way home and to my bus stop, but I didn’t get too far.

I’ll spare you the details of what happened next, but I found myself sitting in the park. It’s usually full of dog walkers but today it was empty, giving me the chance to break down and cry. What I didn’t realise was that a medical contidition I have that effects my circulation had taken a hold and impacted my hands whilst my head was a mess and I was in a surprisingly large amount of pain. 

So that sucked.

I’m sitting in a warm cafe at the moment, that I deem my ‘safe place’ in town where I run to when something has gone wrong and now talking to you guys. I’ve just warmed my hands up and got them back to normal where I can type.

Aside from the increasing panic attacks and having them two Thursdays running, these few weeks have had some amazing moments. I’ve eaten for 9 days running what’s a new record. I even got to speak to a room of about 35 Chirstitans about my testamony on Tuesday, what I loved. The situation at home might not be imporving but a family member who I was concered about has finally started to seek help and see someone what is a big step in the right direction.

These few weeks haven’t been terrible. But right now all I want to do is focus on how bad today was and cling to the feeling of failure. 

Instead, I’m challenging myself to try and hold into the positives, sure today was horrible, but that doesn’t change all the good things that have happened. 

So yes, today was bad but I’m refusing to let that spoil my smile too much.