What real recovery looks like

“I haven’t felt free in a long time. I’m either trapped by anorexia or hindered by anxiety. I want to be FREE.”

“I’m literally at the cusp of recovery. I’m not in need of mans help at the moment, but God’s. I need to rely on him now, I needed to a long time ago. I CAN AND WILL LIVE A LIFE FREE OF THIS!!”

“I’ve never felt my heart cry out like this before. No matter how many counseling session I attend, how many books I read, coping strategies I use, I have never felt this before. I want to do more than cry because to cry doesn’t touch deep enough. I think I want to mourn, I want to let myself feel the pain I’ve kept behind bursting doors. Only Jesus knows what I’m feeling, I can’t trust this expression of pain to anyone else but him. He’s the only one who can feel it too.”

Above are three journal entries I’ve written within the last month.

Possibly for the first time in my life I’m understanding how hard it is to follow God every step of the way.

It’s really hard to follow God, there I said it.

To follow God through recovery is so hard. To hold Jesus’ hand is hard because he’s asking so much of me and yet nothing at all. I once read a quote that said God loves us just as we are, but too much to leave us this way. I’m trying to wrap my head around it. I am loved as I am, Jesus will have me just as I am, but I am loved too much to be left this way.

I’ve been told by so many people to just go to God. But just going to God doesn’t do anything. I have to GO to him.

Most people describe mental illnesses as chains, that they are bound. For me they are more like balloons. I often feel like I have balloons attached to my waste, so many that they’re lifting me us and my feet no longer touch the ground. With one gust of wind I can be sent up so high and so far that I no longer recognise where I am. God feels like a rope that anchored into the ground and that rope is in the palm of my hand. Just going to God in times of difficulty feels like I simply acknowledge the rope in my hand. But to GO to God is taking the rope in BOTH hands and pulling myself back to the ground, when I’m close enough His hand reaches out to me and pulls me the last gap and into a warm embrace.

Pulling yourself back to the ground and to God is exhausting. But that’s what recovery is, exhausting.

You see guys, for the last two years I’ve only been acknowledging the rope in my hand. That is neither a good or a bad thing.

God loves me just as I am, that knowledge allows me to hold onto the rope and Him to be my anchor.

But he loves me too much to leave me this way, that’s Him asking me to come back to the ground and to Him.

Recovery is not an easy task and now that I’ve seen what it entitles, I’m going to fess up and say I’ve only been half arsing it and forgive me but I never recognised just how truly a commitment it was to follow God. This isn’t a just turn up on a Sunday, pray and look like a christian, this is giving everything I am to Him. Everything!

After a year of writing on here, thinking I was sort of getting there with my walk with God, that I knew what it meant to give my life to him, I’ve come to realise just how little I knew.

My eyes and heart has been opened and I’m seeing this for the first time with fresh eyes.

Take up your cross.

That phrase has alway confused me. Take up my cross, what did that even mean? But lately I’ve been drawn to Mathew 10:38, where the phrase take up your cross is used. In my bible the notes that accompany that say be prepared to follow jesus all the way to martyrdom if necessary. Martyrdom is someone who is a martyr, a person who is killed because of their religious belief. This has captured my heart for a while.

I am privileged to live in a country where I am currently not in any danger because of my faith in Christ. There are many people around the world who the act of martyrdom is a very real thing. But for me sitting in my house safely, in my bedroom, the significance didn’t feel the same.

But this verse is just as relevant to me, but in a different way.

Take up your cross, be prepared to follow Jesus be prepared to die for your faith. What if for some if us, being prepared to die for our faith isn’t literal death? What if it’s being prepared to let something die to follow Christ?

What if for me I have to be prepared to let anorexia die for my faith in Jesus. Not ignore it, not let it go, anorexia has to die in me.

Taking up my cross daily is making the conscious decision to let anorexia die in me. I have to make that decision DAILY, probably even hourly.

Now that is big.

But God is big and all-powerful. So why would following him be anything but big.

Want to know something though? I want a big relationship with God. I’ve mentioned a lot in this post that following God is hard, but guys it’s so worth it. I’m going to need support and a church and a whole lot of faith and to humble myself right down. But that’s what I want.

Real recovery is doing more than just acknowledging God, turning up on a Sunday and a quite prayer before bed (all of which I’m guilty of). It’s daily taking up your cross and making the real hard effort to get yourself back to Him.

God loves you just as you are, but he loves you too much to leave you this way

I’m back, and just in time

Well guys, I never been happier to be behind my laptop. It’s been a few weeks since my last post hasn’t it?

I’ve officially joined the adult world and having been working these past few weeks, it’s  been exhausting to say the least. I love my job, but working the extra days has really took me out of the picture, but I’m so grateful to come straight out of education and into a steady job. I’ve been coming home and just relaxing, too tired to write or do much else. But I feel that as I’m getting into the swing of things and getting myself used to the hours, I can start writing again.

The few weeks off has really been good for both me and this blog. I have a lot of exiting things planed and a better outlook.

But before I get onto that, one exciting date passed for this blog, its first year anniversary. Yes, Lost In The Story has been around for a whole year! How exciting is that? I never expected to grow a following and last this long on such a highly saturated platform. I’m truly thankful for all of you, my readers. I’ve learned so much about myself through this blog and continue to grow.

Thank you.

So more about these plans I have… Continue reading “I’m back, and just in time”

Your friendly neighborhood Christian

Ever watch The Simpsons growing up?

My favorite character was always Lisa (no shock there) there was just something about the pointy headed, academic girl with poor social stats that I related with.

I thought the program was so great that I would have it on every night in the weekdays and when I went round to my dads (who had SKY TV) I’d watch even more of it then. Looking back, I feel so sorry for my family who had to endure it whilst I hogged the TV watching it, making sure that they were all watching it as well. I’d got it in my head that because I loved something, everyone else had to too and had to be paying the utmost attention to it at all times.

serious

There wasn’t any strong reason I watched this program so obsessively, I think the only reason would be was that other than Top Gear, it was the only other program I enjoyed watching. I’ve always been told that I’m beyond my years and this was the case with children’s TV. As soon as I moved up into secondary school, CBBC and CITV were off our TV for good. I stopped watching them all an attempt to be an adult (I was 11 at the time). Yet despite my attempts, I still really wanted something fun to watch on TV, other programs were just so boring. This is where The Simpsons came it.

My love for this program died off when I had watched so many I could tell within the first 2 minuets what would happen in the episode, because I’d seen it all before (we only had Freeview in my house so the episodes were all repeats). But even now, I do find myself flicking on the Tv to watch a sneaky episode.  Continue reading “Your friendly neighborhood Christian”

Exercising during recovery

I feel like this post could potentially get me a teeny tiny bit of backlash so I’m going to start off with a disclaimer. Everything I talk about today is of my own experience and no I’m not a doctor. If you’re in recovery from an ED yourself, please listen to what your doctor is saying to you about exercise and not me. They actually know what’s medically good for you. I’m just talking about my own experiences here and have had the all clear to be exercising under supervision. 

Now that the serious bit is over… I’ve started running and I’m loving it.

If 12-year-old me was reading this, they’d probably weep. Despite being a dancer, I found no pleasure in running what so ever. But now 7 years later, I’ve started to get the bug.

I can probably guarantee that some of you are probally thinking “you said you’re recovering from anorexia, why are you exercising? Have you relapsed?”

The answer is no, I haven’t relapsed nor is my disorder ‘fake’ becsue I’m running.

I while back I spoke about being a competitive dancer, and how I had so much energy as a kid that I was enrolled in two separate dance schools just so I could burn off the extra energy. All those years later, I’m still a ball full of energy. I’m a constant fidget and just need to get the energy out some how. Naturally, a lot has changed since I developed an eating disorder and it has stopped exercise for me. I’m not going to go into detail about my relationship with exercise at my worst points because I don’t want anyone who’s struggling to get any ideas, so you’re just going to have to take my word when I say I had a very bad relationship with working out.


Continue reading “Exercising during recovery”

I am worth more than an illness

If any of you guys are in education then you’ll know that the academic year is drawing to an end and for some of us, it’s coming to an end for good. I’ve spoken several times how this is my last year in college. Due to still suffering with an ED I thought it a good idea to take a year out before I moved out to University.

Unlike most, in my year out I won’t be exploring the world but instead I’ll be working and let me tell you something now, I’m beyond anxious. Don’t get my wrong, I love where I work, whilst it can be a tad crazy at points, I’m working with some fantastic people and I truly do enjoy what I do. I couldn’t think of a better place for me to be. Yet despite this I’m still anxious.

I’ve been thinking long and hard as to why I’m so anxious about college coming to an end and me starting full-time work. I know the people I’ll be working with (and I like them all), I know the place, I know my job, what is there for me to be anxious about? But after much thought I think I know why.

I’m going to be joining the adult world.

I know I’m already an adult by law but I’ve been sheltered from all the ‘adulness’ for two years. Being 19 I’m three years older than my class mates and it shows. I have a much more mature attitude than everyone else what has been quite lonely at points. However, I’ve had the same level of responsibly as them all, so have had no real need to be the ‘adult’ as that’s the tutors job. But in a few weeks I’m going to be joining this completely different world and I’m not prepared for it.

Continue reading “I am worth more than an illness”

Short hair and shorter poems

I’ve had my hair in a pixie cut for just over 2 months now.

I’d been after short hair since I was about 15 however, it wasn’t the best of ideas with me being a competitive dancer and needing a full head of hair to ram the bobby pins into. But several year later I plucked up the courage to make the chop.

I’ve always had a love hate relationship with my hair. As a kid I loved it long, but as I grew older and wanted to experiment more with braids I found it quite difficult. You see I have incredibly fine hair so those big full fishtail braids never looked quite right on me. Thankfully, I have an awful lot of hair on my head (when I’m not sick with an ED ) so that did help. For my prom my friends and myself decided to all commit to growing our hair as long as possible. However, by the time college rolled around I was after short hair.

I can’t say my desire for short hair was met with much enthusiasm (other than my boyfriend who was all for it), so I kept it mildly long. I danced between shoulder length cuts to short bobs but never committed to the full chop. But once I started eating healthier I began to notice just how quickly my hair was growing. The speedy growth of my hair was the final thing I needed to get me to do it, after all if I didn’t like it I could just grow it long again.

So I went for it, and I’m so glad that I did!

Continue reading “Short hair and shorter poems”