I am worth more than an illness

If any of you guys are in education then you’ll know that the academic year is drawing to an end and for some of us, it’s coming to an end for good. I’ve spoken several times how this is my last year in college. Due to still suffering with an ED I thought it a good idea to take a year out before I moved out to University.

Unlike most, in my year out I won’t be exploring the world but instead I’ll be working and let me tell you something now, I’m beyond anxious. Don’t get my wrong, I love where I work, whilst it can be a tad crazy at points, I’m working with some fantastic people and I truly do enjoy what I do. I couldn’t think of a better place for me to be. Yet despite this I’m still anxious.

I’ve been thinking long and hard as to why I’m so anxious about college coming to an end and me starting full-time work. I know the people I’ll be working with (and I like them all), I know the place, I know my job, what is there for me to be anxious about? But after much thought I think I know why.

I’m going to be joining the adult world.

I know I’m already an adult by law but I’ve been sheltered from all the ‘adulness’ for two years. Being 19 I’m three years older than my class mates and it shows. I have a much more mature attitude than everyone else what has been quite lonely at points. However, I’ve had the same level of responsibly as them all, so have had no real need to be the ‘adult’ as that’s the tutors job. But in a few weeks I’m going to be joining this completely different world and I’m not prepared for it.

Continue reading “I am worth more than an illness”

My relationship with change

At my house there’s only a handful of things you’ll see on our TV: Top Gear (or the Grand Tour when the new season comes out!), Yorkshire vet and some sort of Mega build type program. We’re most certainly creatures of habit in our house when it comes to the goggle box.

I myself am a creature of habit, I simply do not like sudden changes. However, since August we’ve been through some pretty major and harsh ones.

If you’ve every met me in real life you will know how hard it is for me to go through periods of change. More often than not I will have private break downs behind closed doors and be running off a constant supply of anxiety for the weeks after it. Change and me do not mix well.

I feel sorry for God in someway during these times of change. I’ve started trying to picture God as this big, warm comforting farther figure and me a small child who’s sitting on his lap (I got this idea from a book called Bloom by Beauty Beyond Bones). During these times of change I always picture myself as the small child squirming, lashing out and wailing with pain, but God’s big strong arms hold me close in a loving embrace. My tiny fists don’t even phase him and slowly I wear out of energy, my crying stops and God just holds me in love. Change is painful for me and boy God has heard my cries more than enough time about it.  Continue reading “My relationship with change”

Short hair and shorter poems

I’ve had my hair in a pixie cut for just over 2 months now.

I’d been after short hair since I was about 15 however, it wasn’t the best of ideas with me being a competitive dancer and needing a full head of hair to ram the bobby pins into. But several year later I plucked up the courage to make the chop.

I’ve always had a love hate relationship with my hair. As a kid I loved it long, but as I grew older and wanted to experiment more with braids I found it quite difficult. You see I have incredibly fine hair so those big full fishtail braids never looked quite right on me. Thankfully, I have an awful lot of hair on my head (when I’m not sick with an ED ) so that did help. For my prom my friends and myself decided to all commit to growing our hair as long as possible. However, by the time college rolled around I was after short hair.

I can’t say my desire for short hair was met with much enthusiasm (other than my boyfriend who was all for it), so I kept it mildly long. I danced between shoulder length cuts to short bobs but never committed to the full chop. But once I started eating healthier I began to notice just how quickly my hair was growing. The speedy growth of my hair was the final thing I needed to get me to do it, after all if I didn’t like it I could just grow it long again.

So I went for it, and I’m so glad that I did!

Continue reading “Short hair and shorter poems”

5 things college has taught me about my mental health

College is coming to a close. Students are running around in a blind panic and tutors are close to banging their head on a wall. Yes the end of the academic year will soon be upon us, and it couldn’t have come at a better time.

I’ve been at college for 3 years now and I am ready for it to end!

My first two years of forensic science were not too bad, but this final year of business has really seen me off. But despite these 3 years having a tone of difficulty’s and hardships, they’ve taught me an awful lot (I’m not just talking academically either). These 3 years have taught me so much about how to look after my mental health and that’s what I’d like to share with you today.

5 things that college has taught me about my mental health. Continue reading “5 things college has taught me about my mental health”

Healing through poetry

I think poetry is the Marmite of the writing world. People seem to either love it or hate it, there is no in-between.

I love poetry, it’s basically written art in my eyes. Buuttttttt I’m pretty terrible at it.

I’ve written it since I discovered what it was. Admittedly, my GSCE english assessment kinda dampened my glow for it. Apparently you can only be told that you’re not good at it so many times before you start to belive it.

However, last year I picked it up again and it’s done wonders for me. Continue reading “Healing through poetry”

Perfection or progress?

After fighting it for too long, I’ve conclude that I’m a self perfectionist with an insane work ethic.

I’ve been told this many time by the book thief I’m dating and my mum. It’s no secret that I work a little too hard a little too often. It’s came in handy during my time at college and all of my extra hobbies and commitments I have. So it’s not exactly been a bad thing.

But in my personal life it’s caused a bit of an issue.

Sharing my recovery with a bunch of strangers online is a bit daunting. A lot of the time it can cause me to put a lot of unnecessary pressure on myself. When your blog is based on showing God’s love through your recovery of an eating disorder, it’s hard to know what to write about when you’ve slipped. It’s hard not to feel extra ashamed when you know you have people looking up to you.

Maybe that’s my inner perfectionist shining through.

But wanting to be perfect will always trip me up. So I’m going to be real about it today. I had the sudden realisation today that I don’t have to write a raw post. Raw posts don’t alway help people, but a real post will.

Let’s be real about what perfectionism does to progress. Continue reading “Perfection or progress?”