Sometimes I’m still insecure about my weight.
After everything that happened last August and God completely healing me of anorexia, I haven’t quite accepted this new body of mine yet. It’s not even like my weight gain was all that bad once I no longer had the eating disorder, I expected to blow up like a balloon and to be uncontrollably eating but that never happened. Sure to start with I was pretty bloated around the stomach area (after long periods of starvation your body doesn’t trust you so any fat it gains goes straight to your tummy area to protect all your vital organs) and my face was a little more squishy from my body retaining water. But in all honesty, I didn’t gain all that much and I didn’t get all that bigger either. Sure, I don’t own any scales and haven’t weighed myself since the disorder was no longer in my life, so mass wise I may have gained but in my physically appearance it wasn’t as scary as I expected.
I understand that at some point everyone is a little insecure about how their body looks and I know some of my insecurity’s do stem from that, and that’s ok. But my more deep insecurity’s about my body come from seeing other people who suffer from an eating disorder themselves and are at a dangerously low weight.
I don’t use the word triggering all that often, mainly because I think people have made it too mainstream and forgot the true meaning and power that word has. But using the word to it’s full seriousness, I still find unhealthy thin people triggering, it makes me wounder what I could have looked like if I just ran with my eating disorder just that little bit longer, maybe then all of the pain would have been worth it? It’s something I’ve felt a great deal of shame towards because God took away my eating disorder, so why do I miss it sometimes?
Continue reading “What you seek”
I’m starting this post off by saying I’m well and truly exhausted at the moment. I’m at work tomorrow and really should be switching off for the night and trying to relax before the day arrives however, instead I feel compelled to write.
I’ve been feeling a little lost in my blog as of late, some of you more long term readers might have noticed a subtle shift in my words. I’ve been struggling to pin point what’s been causing the uneasiness, part of me even considered if this was my season of blogging drawing to a close. I’m starting to think I’ve cracked where things have been going a bit wonky, I think I’ve took my eyes off the real reason for this blog.
Lost In The Story was created as an outlet for my recovery of anorexia, a safe place where I could just talk to other people and no one at all. This blog started off anonymously, no one knew who I was. I was simply a girl fighting an eating disorder and trying to find God in the mess of it all. I was a science student with no plans for the future, I wasn’t even sure if I wanted a future. Eventually though a small community developed here, whilst we’re only a small group I think I do truly have the kindest and most encouraging readers going – you’re all amazing.
The first year of my blog passed and I finished my science qualification and decided to do an extra year and study business. I started to take my blog more seriously in this year, I was learning more and more and soon was putting what I learned into practice here. I felt more empowered to try and turn this into a potential side job one day. I was still sharing my faith and my struggles but I think this was the first real stumble for me. I said right when I first started that this blog was never about making money, it was about sharing God and all the amazing things he was doing in my life. Continue reading “Where you stand”
Today I was introduced to the delightful thing called cream tea with my mum. As part of her birthday present we traveled over to Ruthin Castle for a fun afternoon together. Over the years I’ve been able to appreciate time spent with my mum so much more than when I was younger. Through my recovery we would spend precious time in coffee shops and cafes making as many happy memories as possible in environments where I would have usually struggled in alone. Even though I’m now recovered from anorexia we still make a point of going out when we can and just enjoy each others company.
Part of making memories in the 21st century is with our phones and my mum and myself are no different. You’ll be proud to hear that I don’t take any overhead, flat lay style photos of my food (I resist that urge quite well I think), but a photo that we always take is a head and shoulders photo of each other with what ever food we’re going to eat. I’m not sure why we started doing that one but over time I’ve gathered a little collection of them and today we added one more to that collection. Continue reading “English afternoons”
Well here we are folks, 2018 is almost up. We have a few days until Christmas and then is a quick ride till the new year. Where has the past 12 months gone?
I can’t say I’m big on new years resolutions and self-reflection for the passing year was never my thing and yet here I am writing this. If you’re on twitter now is the time where you find funny hashtags like #2018infivewords and other short bursts of witty humor grace our screens. Got to admit though, most of them hold a dark sense of humor to the fact that for most, 2018 has been a bit of a rubbish year.
When I look back to the last 356 days I seem to naturally start gravitating to the more negative aspects, the things that left a funny, unpleasant taste in my mouth for the rest of the year. It’d be so easy for me to only look at the hardship and pain leaving me agreeing with twitter in saying 2018 was a rubbish year. But unlike most I have a memory bank that allows me to not forget any moment that matters, and that memory bank come in the form of this blog.
When scrolling back over this years posts, my life that I’ve shared with thousands of people on the internet, I can’t help but feel a whole heap of respect for this year. It’s by no means been easy, but 2018 has been a year that’s truly made a difference. So I’m breaking out of the negativity and sharing with you all today how blogging in 2018 has made a diffrence.
I hope you enjoy
Continue reading “How blogging in 2018 made a difference”
I had a weird realization yesterday as I scrolled through Etsy.
I was looking for next years planner, debating whether I wanted to stuck with my good old trusty bullet journal or transition into something much more flexible like a travelers notebook. I’m not sure how many others also give so much consideration into a few pieces of papers, but for me I just need a physical planner to get me through a year (I can’t stand any of that electronic stuff).
Pages deep into the wonderful site I’d settled on a planner (a travelers notebook) and was considering how many inserts I’d need and of what type. One lesson my dad taught me was to have a plan, a five year plan at the minimum and that’s a lesson that’s suck with me. I find myself very unsettled when I can’t see where I’m going, what my year will look like and it’s translated over into how I use my planners.
I’ve chosen to use a travelers notebook for 2019 because I think it’s going to give me the flexibility a bullet journal can’t, but that got me thinking…
How much flexibility is there is my life plan for God to move? Continue reading “In an age of planners and organisation can we really plan in our faith?”
I’ve been doing a lot of scrolling through the internet trying to find youth based projects who are advertising for writers. Lately I’ve been trying to expand my writing portfolio and thought this would be a starting point. Surprisingly, I’ve come across one or two and have been looking into applying for them.
One thing I do love about this generation of youth is that we’re probably one of the most empowered generations going and have been enabled to have a voice with the platforms necessary to use it. Many of us feel passionate about something and for young writers that creates the awesome space for us to pick up our pens and start writing to change the world. I too have a passion, something I want to use my voice, pick up my pen and change the world.
My passion to see people with anorexia healed is what drives this blog.
Through my own recovery I so often have spoken about my relationship with God and how it was through him that I was set free from my eating disorder. So when I see a call for young writers to create articles to create change, my immediate thought is to use my testimony to help others.
I was once told that I have a golden ticket testimony, that it will change lives and yet, I hesitate talking about my journey of freedom anywhere else other than this blog. Continue reading “Why does my passion have to feel so shameful?”