This post is quite a special one for me to be talking to you about. At the point of reading this I’ll be on holiday in Florida. I’ve never been abroad before, let alone on an airplane so I’m a tad apprehensive about going but I’m sure I handled it fine.
This holiday has been in the planning for over a year, I’m going with my Dad and step mum and I’m so excited. We’re doing the theme parks and hopefully the space center as well. I’ve been saving up for it constantly and fully intend to go nuts and make the most of the American sized portions of food. My bucket list of foods to try when I’m over are mac and cheese, a hot dog and a doughnut at breakfast.
I think that sentence just sums up how much things have changed in the past 12 months. Could any of you picture me saying that I wanted a doughnut for breakfast this time last year? No one would have thought it’d be possible and it’s amazing how much much has changed.
In total seriousness, I can’t wrap my head around what’s changed in such a short amount of time. I remember talking to my councilor over a year and a half ago, telling her that I didn’t want to be anorexic when I’m on holiday in Florida. I wanted to be recovered by then, but deep down I knew it wasn’t going to be possible.
God obviously had other plans for me as here I am 8 month free of anorexia, excited to try American food and make the most of the famously big portion sizes.
I want to try and encompass this feeling towards the fact that I’m going on holiday free of the illness and share with you some of my favorite things that have only been possible since anorexia left my life for good. There truly isn’t enough posts or information telling you how much good will come from recovery, so today I want to share with you what my favorite things are since recovering.
Coffee shop marathons
This is my favorite thing to do ever!
Fun fact, we think I may have a very strong intolerance to coffee forming seeing as it has me doubled over in pain every time I drink caffeinated products, especially coffee. But before that, I used to bounce around from coffee shop to coffee shop in my local town. I’d bring my laptop, connect up to WiFi and just write. Sometimes I’s go with other people like my mum and we’d just sit in a coffee shop and talk.
There’s this sense of stillness that comes with coffee shops. If you grab a window seat you can people watch and soon your encompassed into this bubble and it’s such a warm feeling. I usually grab a coffee (hot chocolate now) and some sort of cake and I’m being serious when I say this is one of my favorite things to be doing. I can’t picture going back to a time where I was too scared to be around places like coffee shops because I was convinced I could inhale calories from the food.
A good nights sleep
Yes I’m an anxious little human bean so not every night sleep is a good one and I’m still struggling to turn my head off. But my nights have improved so much since recovery. For me the only thing more painful than waking up on a morning was going to sleep at night. It might sound weird if you’re a healthy weight, but if you’re malnourished you don’t have any squish surrounding your bones as I like to put it. Certain amounts of fat are good for you and it’s so evident as you try and sleep.
With the ED I could never find a comfortable position to sleep in, the pressure between my bones and the bed was just too much and it hurt. I’d find myself tossing and turning, resulting in very few hours of good sleep. Since being weight restored I can lie down at night and feel an instance sense of comfort, gone are the days of tossing and turning desperate to find a position that didn’t hurt me.
I’m not just talking about physical energy here, mental energy also on this list. When you’re undernourished your brain isn’t working at it’s full potential, it’s simply not getting the right amount of nutrients to function properly.
My head felt constantly foggy and every reaction and response was delayed.
It sounds so silly, but I can think!
I can think and make decisions that are based off consideration of the factors that surround me. I’m not going for the easy option because I’m just too tired to think things though properly, I have the head space to make informed choices and it’s so refreshing.
I’m not a cold hearted so and so anymore… or at least I hope I’m not.
I sadly can’t tell you the last time one of my friends spoke to me, I lost everyone other than my boyfriend though anorexia. I hid myself away, stopped replying to messages, didn’t start conversations anymore and I guess people just couldn’t stand by and watch their friend slowly kill themselves, so they left one by one until I was alone. I’ll be honest with you guys, I am deeply lonely, it cuts me down to my core and I spend too long crying for the people who are no longer in my life.
Since God healed me of the illness though I’m slowly getting better at socializing again. My trust has been knocked with people leaving in my time of need, so I do struggle to make friends. But my cold unsympathetic heart has been melted and I can feel compassion again and slowly am building online friendships.
I remember this one so well, I was at church and one of the ladies hugged me. It wasn’t a quick passing hug that us Brits are so good at doing, it was a long drawn out one. For someone so small she couldn’t half squeeze you. Instead of relaxing into the hug I just felt their hands pressing down on my rips and I knew that they had caught of glips of something being wrong, my bones shouldn’t have been exposed like that. When she eventually pulled away I remember them having tears in their eyes, no words had to be said.
After that I became a lot more reserved in hugging people, avoiding it all together where possible.
I’m really tactile though and love hugging people, so this one is close to my heart. I can hug people now and the only thing I worry about is if I’ve put on enough deodrent and don’t smell. It’s been really good for all my relationship too, being able to be physically close to people again has made me grow closer and for that this one might have to be my favorite thing that was only possible with recovery.
I think the point has came where I’m feeling ok to reflect and talk about my time with anorexia more and more. It’s post like these though that remind me just how important it is for me to share my story with people.
Above isn’t the full list of my favorite things that were possible through recovery. I had to cut this list short, there are just so many incredible things that come with recovery and I have enough to make a second post. Recovering from an eating disorder is one of the hardest things to do, it’s so hard but it’s worth it.
For more information about recovering from eating disorders you can check out the link bellow to Beat charity. It’s a UK based charity who’s soul focus is helping people beat eating disorders, I found them so useful during my recovery.
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