Here I am

Well here we are folks, back sitting in my favorite coffee shop, hot chocolate by my side and a bowel of monkey fuel to my left (their version of porridge). I’ve just finished my session with my counselor and I feel like an end of a season is approaching.

I’ve been in counselling for just over 2 years now, something I’m thankful to look back on. I’ve seen three different people in those years, all with their own style and approach to the problems I bring with me to the sessions. The time and caring nature those people have brought to my life is something I’m incredibly grateful for. They have all truly gone above and beyond for me.

I’m sat here, calm and content.

I truly believe my time seeing someone might be up.

We have this wall hanging in our kitchen that talks about how for ever time there is a season and a reason. I think this season might be coming to a close, a peaceful steady close. When I think about saying goodbye to the place that helped me so much I can’t help but feel sad, the four walls of the room have seen so many sides of me. From the girl who walked in on her first session, a death grip on her bag, one arm snaked around my waist for comfort, to the woman who left today, smiling and laughing with the lady who has helped me so much this past year. Whilst I am sad if my time is over, a sense of pride swells up in me. Comfort embraces me, knowing how far I have come.

From a girl scared of living, to a woman wanting to face the world, the difference is astounding.

It’s been no means easy. You don’t see the messy part of recovery on here, you don’t hear about the truly dark times. You haven’t seen the times where I’ve screamed at God, but not a sound has escaped my lips. The tears, the scars, the pain that those closest to me have endured whilst aiding me. The nights I’ve hidden under my bed cover begging God not to look, that I am even unworthy of his gaze. You haven’t seen the fights and the exhaustion.

My friends, this road has not been easy.

The journey isn’t over either, how incredible is that?

Anorexia has been defeated, anxiety not so much. I’ve still got a few fights ahead of me, battles that will be lost and won. I’m not finished, there is so much more for me to learn. So much more shaping, molding and footsteps in the sand. But what a story.

So here I am, the end of a season approaching, I’m battered bruised, walk with a limp but here I am.

Let’s see what this season will bring…

2 thoughts on “Here I am

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