How are we all doing today?
The rain has finally taken a break where I live and the sun is shining through my bed room window as I write. As the grey dampness that is England lifted my mood has perked up a bit what is wonderful.
Today’s post is going to have more of a colloquial chatty style, I don’t have anything structured or planned, I’m simply just going to be sitting at my laptop and talking to you all. I feel it’s been too long since I’ve done a post like this and I find them really beneficial as the writer, it’s like a more punctuated, better spelled brain dump.
I’ve got my favorite song playing in the background (The Woods by Hollow Coves, just incase you were wondering) a lemon tea in my green fish mug and a packet of Quavers next to me. I feel like I’m in a YA novel, recreating the moment when the protagonist is about to make some life changing decision or action (I wish).
Ever have that mood that slowly creeps up on you untill one day you have this sudden realisation that you’re feeling unfulfilled with you life?
Deep I know…
But this is how I’ve been felling and for quite some time, I just never put my finger on it untill last night.
For the past two years and a bit I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster. There has always been some things that’s meant I’ve been running off adrenalin. Every day has some sort of conflict or fight that I’ve been trying my best to combat. I haven’t stopped and hit pause for quite a while. But now that I finally have slowed down a bit, now that I’m not fighting some monster in my head, I’ve actually had time to think.
Terrifying I know, me and deep thought never go well.
It’s like when you’re watching a movie with your family and one of them hits pause to go get a snack, it’s not untill the moive has stopped that you realised you’re in desprate need for a pee. That’s probably a weird analogy but stick with me here.
My life is currently on pause, as everyone is busy getting the next snack I’ve just realised just how unfulfilled I’m feeling.
Like what am I even doing?
How did I go from this passionate kid who was desprate tp start-up a christian union at my college to reach people in need to this? How did that happen?
At what point did I stop fighting for God, when did I stop reaching for him, calling for him?
That’s what it is guys, I’m missing God in my life.
Somewhere I lost sight of God, not in a ‘I’ve lost my faith’ kinda way (I still very much have my faith) but some part of me stopped getting excited. I lost that childish spark in me that saw God as my heavenly Farther. The holy spirit slipped out of my life somehow, did I said no to them at some point? I don’t know.
I have no idea what on earth happened, but it’s happened and I’m not chasing after God. I’m not sure how to fix it though. I’m at this point where I’m missing God but what do I do to come back to him?
I want God in my life, I still want to get baptised, I want to go to bible studys, I want to find a church. Rember the parable of the lost/ prodigal son in the bible (Luke 15:11- 32). I never thought I’d be able to relate to that story. Understanding why the son took his inheritance and left his Farther was not something I got, like why would he even do that? But here I sit, unfulfilled. Sure I’m not feeding pigs like the son was, my life is ok right now, it genially is, but I’m feeling so unfufilled, so empty, joyless. Nothing I’m doing is filling this gap.
We know how that story ends, the farther welcomes the son back with open arms and celebrates and I know I’ll be welcomed back with open arms. Yet, despite knowing this, I’m worried I’ll feel like I’m imposter.
But nothing is going to change if I do this alone.
It’s a painful lesson I’ve had to learn time and time again, every time it gets a little harder.
When I was at New Wine in August there was a talk called Young people who are joyful. It was a fantastic talk and I’m so glad I made notes during the evening.
What was said was happiness is not joy and it does not come from us. Happiness is when we feel like we are in control and thinks are how we like. Joy is knowing that God is present, compassionate and never-changing. Difficulty and suffering can take away your happiness but it will never take away joy because joy does not come from us and our circumstances.
Just like joy, I can’t replace what I’m missing by anything I do. I’m inly going to get fulfillment from God and God alone.
Well that packet of Quavers I was munching on at the start of this post turned into a bowel of pasta and the sun is starting to set. It’s been a nice day.
On the notes I took during the young people who are joyful sermon I left myself one simple sentence at the bottom of the page. REMAIN IN JESUS.
I’m not sure how I got to the point where I was missing God out of my life, part of me has an idea and that’s mine to explore. But what ever the reason I know one thing, I need to go back to God.
If you’re still here then well done, I didn’t expect this post to go in this direction but there we go.
When I first started lost in the story all of my posts where like this, very chatty. I wasn’t strictly trying to teach anyone anything, I just wanted to share my experiences with people, that’s another thing I’ve lost over time. Part of me forgot why I was writing here in the first place and instead got so caught up on what everyone else was doing. I’m trying to right that now, keep an eye out though, I might have more of these posts.
Till the next post guys, stay safe and be kind to you.