Hey guys, long time no see huh?
I’ve been MIA for a bit, I feel as if I left you all on a bit of a cliff hanger. There I was taking about finally being free of anorexia and then I disappeared for almost two months my longest break from blogging ever.
Well I’m feeling a little more up to blogging now, it’s been a surprisingly odd two months but I’ll fill you in on that in a bit.
Bur first things first I’d like to get start this off on a really cool note, I’ve been recovered from anorexia for just over two months now! I can say that finally hit home of how big a deal my healing of anorexia was. I ended up chatting briefly to an acquaintance of mine who used to suffer themselves from an eating disorder and just listening to how they spoke about themselves even after being recovered really made me realise how incredible my own healing was. It’s really humbling that God was gracious enough to heal me from my own eating disorder. If you haven’t already I’d ask that you checked out my last post that explained how all of that came about Let’s talk about faith.
These two months have been really strange, being recovered is really strange and that’s what I’d like to talk about today.
It’s no coincidence that my break from blogging would come at the same time as my recovery. I never expected to be healed of anorexia so I didn’t have any scheduled posts or anything really planed for a post anorexia life, it truly caught me by surprise. Not to mention I was unplanned for the emotional whirlwind that came afterwards (what no body told me about!!)
So what have I been up to?
The short answer is, I was doing a lot of rediscovering.
First things first I was trying to find me again. Over the years of the ED I’d very much lost me. I’d stopped reading, writing (other than here), overtime I put down my viola (big violin but way better), my friendships effectively all ended or took a battering and I lost my spark. I used to be a dancer, a hyper bouncy child, someone who wanted to change the world.
I lost all of that.
So there I was free of this monster and no plan on what to do next.
I won’t lie to you, I felt so overwhelmed.
I felt like I should have been able to bounce back to the old me, but it didn’t happen. I came away from New Wine with a bit of a buzz what was fantastic but I soon had to go back to reality and that was hard. But small steps worked well.
I think that’s something that no one really told me about a post anorexia life, it’s the little things that help you get back to yourself. So I started reading more, I’m on my 4th book so far. I picked up my rubik cube and learnt how to solve it (I can do it in 1:59 minuets) and got my hands on a 2×2, 4×4 and 5×5 rubik cubes. I concentrated on my driving lessons again, I started a second blog! (find it here). Silly little things are helping me find a better version of myself.
The moments I would have spent writing for here I was now spending rediscovering myself. I can only apologise for the lack of posts but I’m sure you all will understand that the early days in a life of freedom are very important.
There was another reason I had to hold back writing on here. My relationship with God has most certainly changed in these two months and that was something I wanted to explore by myself before I splashed it all over the internet.
Struggling with the idea that God loves me was a common occurrence.
I’ve fought and wrestled with it to no end. But when God healed me of anorexia, I could no longer question that. He took my eating disorder away, Jesus took it all on the cross for me. That’s a fact I can’t deny anymore.
Now I know that I am loved.
The weirdest thing is, this challenged my relationship with God all together. After having years being blinkered by the ED, it being my main focus of prayer. Unexpectedly the ED was gone and I have been completely unprepared for that. I’ve had a what now moment. Where do I go from this?
I wanted to recover from anorexia so I could help others who suffering with their own ED. But I’m lacking direction for that and if I’m honest, I’ve been to fragile. Being recovered doesn’t mean I’m free of temptation and I’ve needed to watch out for that too. Going head first into other people’s recovery would have been too dangerous, so I’ve held back.
Now that the ED has gone I’m also having to come to terms with the rest of the negative emotions that I hid behind the anorexia. All of these I need to deal with and I can only do that walking with Jesus, what’s being a lesson that’s challenging to grasp. All of this comes with its own challenges so I’ll still be blogging. I’ll have so much more to talk about and share with my journey with God.
Life is ok.
I’ve walking a new path with God and I’m going to have to work through that with all the prayer I can get. The future holds a fair few challenges but that’s ok.
Life after anorexia isn’t what I pictured it to be. Some part of me thought I could kick back and relax once the ED had been dealt with, this isn’t the case. In moments I realise just how little I know about God, how much more I have to learn, how much more depth there is to his love. In my mind ending anorexia was the end game, once it was gone my walk would be over and I could just rest in God and carry on with my life. Part of me is thankful that this is most certainly not the case. Overcoming anorexia was only the warm up to a marathon of a life with God. The journey does not end here, I need to get myself back on track, stay close to God.
I have a lifetime with Him ahead of me.