My relationship with change

At my house there’s only a handful of things you’ll see on our TV: Top Gear (or the Grand Tour when the new season comes out!), Yorkshire vet and some sort of Mega build type program. We’re most certainly creatures of habit in our house when it comes to the goggle box.

I myself am a creature of habit, I simply do not like sudden changes. However, since August we’ve been through some pretty major and harsh ones.

If you’ve every met me in real life you will know how hard it is for me to go through periods of change. More often than not I will have private break downs behind closed doors and be running off a constant supply of anxiety for the weeks after it. Change and me do not mix well.

I feel sorry for God in someway during these times of change. I’ve started trying to picture God as this big, warm comforting farther figure and me a small child who’s sitting on his lap (I got this idea from a book called Bloom by Beauty Beyond Bones). During these times of change I always picture myself as the small child squirming, lashing out and wailing with pain, but God’s big strong arms hold me close in a loving embrace. My tiny fists don’t even phase him and slowly I wear out of energy, my crying stops and God just holds me in love. Change is painful for me and boy God has heard my cries more than enough time about it. 

Sometimes I don’t always manage to hide my break downs involving change. This was the case a few days ago when my mum and myself were sitting in the living room, she was watching TV and I was doing my assignment work. Picking up the assignment brief I noticed that it was laied out differently to the ones I’d been used to for the past 3 years. One tiny little change was my breaking point and I couldn’t stop myself from crying. (I will say now that I am on the autistic spectrum, so my such sever reaction to change are a result of that, I can assure you I’m not being over emotional, it’s just who I am).

So I ended up crying over this pice of paper, but in reality I was crying over so much more. I was crying for our church, that has finished. I was crying for all the changes I has faced at home. I was crying for the changes at college and I was crying for the changes within my relationship and not being able to see the person I’m dating easily as they’d moved away for a bit and the dwindling comunication. I cried for my changing body as I ate more food and my bones became less visible. I cried and cried and all my mum could do was hold me untill I was finished.

But once I’d finished she told me something that’s really changed my outlook on what’s been going on in my life.

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Remember those mega build TV programs I mentioned earlier on? Well Mum told me about her time in Canada when she went to the CN tower  in Toronto. She said that when she was at the top of the tower it moved ever so slight.

The tower is a grand total of 553.3 meaters high, what’s pretty tall if you ask me. Being so tall it has to withstand the elements, more specifically it has to deal with wind. She told me that the tower had to be flexible, it had to rock over so slightly when the wind hit it. If it didn’t, and was rigid, it would break overtime.

She said that when buildings get up to a certain height they have to be flexible, just like the CN tower. It’s important that they are. However, if you have a smaller building like a castle or a old church or chapel, it don’t need to be. These buildings can stay ridged because the wind isn’t going to hit them as harshly. It doesn’t means these buildings are by anyway inferior to the tall ones, they’re just not flexible.

All of this sounds pretty random, but it also translates to what God might be doing in my life right now.

I am rigid, I do not move and I’m pretty inflexible. When change comes it’s painful and I do not move. So right now I am a stubborn castle, God is building me higher and higher but I’m still not moving.  It’s my inflexibility that is stopping my growth with God.

If God wants to build me higher, I will have to become flexible. I will have to learn to rock and move slightly when the winds of change come. If I refuse to become flexiable, I will break when God builds me up, and he’s not going to do that. I will stay at this hight untill he can build me higher without the fear of me breaking and coming crashing down when the winds of change come.

Or better yet, maybe there’s something coming in my future that God’s seeing and I’m not. At some point in my life I could be facing some even bigger changes. So, instead of doing nothing, God is trying to ready me for my future. If I can learn to be adaptable now, it could save me the pain of it in later life where I’m more set in my ways.

No matter what it is, I just want to assure you that if you’re going to trials in your life right now, God knows what he’s doing. He can see your entire life when we can only see a small window of it. The things you’re going through right now could be in preparation for something else along the line and God just wants to make sure you won’t break when the winds come.

I remember one Sunday at church our pastor said something that’s I’ve been reminded of whilst writing this post. He said that when we’re going through a though time it’s very easy to ask God why it’s happening to us. But he said that instead of asking why, we should be asking God if there’s anything he’s wanting to teach us through the times of hardship.

So maybe through these months of change, I should have been asking God from the go what he was trying to teach me through it all. It’s been 10 months of hard changes, but I’m finally grasping that no matter what happens, no matter who comes in or out of my life, no matter how much change happens, God will never change.

God’s love will never change. No matter what happens, I will always be able to hold on to him, he will be my anchor and my rock through everything that’s thrown my way.

I just have to let him be those things.

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