After fighting it for too long, I’ve conclude that I’m a self perfectionist with an insane work ethic.
I’ve been told this many time by the book thief I’m dating and my mum. It’s no secret that I work a little too hard a little too often. It’s came in handy during my time at college and all of my extra hobbies and commitments I have. So it’s not exactly been a bad thing.
But in my personal life it’s caused a bit of an issue.
Sharing my recovery with a bunch of strangers online is a bit daunting. A lot of the time it can cause me to put a lot of unnecessary pressure on myself. When your blog is based on showing God’s love through your recovery of an eating disorder, it’s hard to know what to write about when you’ve slipped. It’s hard not to feel extra ashamed when you know you have people looking up to you.
Maybe that’s my inner perfectionist shining through.
But wanting to be perfect will always trip me up. So I’m going to be real about it today. I had the sudden realisation today that I don’t have to write a raw post. Raw posts don’t alway help people, but a real post will.
Let’s be real about what perfectionism does to progress.
A week or so back I shared a post on here. I had a really good feeling about, some of you guys might have read it. So much effort went into what I wrote and made sure that I triple checked over scriptures and truly understanding what I was talking about.
The subject that I was writing was something that had a really impact on my life and the way I was thinking, so if any of my posts were going to be a ‘must read’ it was going to be this one. I had such high hopes for it. (You can check it out here if you want.)
Can I let you into a little secret though?
That post was a complete and utter soggy flop.
It pains me to say it, especially here where you, my lovely readers, will see but guys this post was a flop. It was my lowest viewed post since I had started this blog and I was really put off by it.
This post flopped so badly that I TOOK IT OFF my blog and then republished it two days later. Yes, I was that ashamed of it. The logic behind it was maybe I had just posted it on a bad day where no one was reading blogs. Maybe the entirety of the worlds population’s WIFI had turned off or something. But I can tell you now that it didn’t make a flying fluffs difference. It still was a flop days later.
I’ve been so hung up about this posts failure. I was questioning if I should even carry on with blogging, I thought that I was a terrible Christian, I was doubting if I had read the scriptures right. My anxiety has been through the roof, and part of it has been caused by that blasted post.
But the reason I was so anxious was because that posts failure meant that it wasn’t perfect. Maybe I didn’t promote it well enough, maybe people didn’t find the image attached compelling enough, I don’t know. All I know was that for the post to fail it meant that I had failed.
Now don’t get me wrong, I know I’m not the best writer in the world. But I want what I put online to be good. I want it to be perfect in accordance to my abilities.
But guys, I did not touch my blog for a week after I realised how poor that post did.
A whole week!
I’m on my blog all the time writing, editing or reading fellow bloggers posts. I live by my laptop. Yet I didn’t go near it for a week.
There have been many times in my life where I’ve strived to be perfect and got so hung up on my failure to the point where I couldn’t move on. As a competitive dancer I didn’t get a recall for 10 whole months. That was 10 whole months of not making a final. I watched all of my friends succeed and go up in ranks, but I couldn’t move on.
It was heartbreaking for a 13-year-old girl, whose pashion was dancing and it was my world. I invested all my free time to my sport and I just kept on failing. As painful as it was though, it taught me perseverance and how to handle rejection and for that, I would never trade those 10 months for a different outcome.
In a similar based post about perfection I spoke about how one small negative overshadowed all of my successes. The same applies to this. In those 10 months I also took my dance exam. It was only after a hard lesson when my teacher pulled me aside and told me my results early. In that exam I’d gotten a grade of 94%, the highest in the entire school. I was only 2% off the same grade as the teacher. Even though that was a massive achievement, I couldn’t progress as a dancer until I accepted that I couldn’t be perfect.
The same goes for that post on here. At the start of 2018 I set myself a hopeful, optimistic goal for this blog. I never really though I’d achieve it. I gave myself the whole year to compleat it, it’s only been five months and I’m 70% of the way there.
My blog is growing, yet if I looked at my blog through the success and the imperfections of that post I don’t know how enthusiastic I’d be right now. I write in order to make a difference and that post didn’t.
But that’s what perfection does to us. If we chase the idea that everything has to be perfect all the time, we never really grow do we? I talked about this in another posts, don’t let perfection get in the way of success, but I feel like the point still stands but instead of talking about success, we’re talking about progress this time. If I’m chasing perfection, I’m never going to grow as a person or a blogger
But what if I choses to chase progress instead of perfection?
What if I say, Arabella, that post was a flop wasn’t it? It was a good and proper stinker. So what did you do wrong? What could you have done better? What if instead of slating myself for failing I actually learn from what happened?
Looking back I can see that some things could have been improved on, and feel free to look yourself and let me know what I could have done better (click me!). But the point is that I am learing from my mistake.
So if by some chance you yourself are a self perfectionist, please learn from my mistakes. There’s no point doing what I did and letting your dreams and passions get dashed just because you didn’t do everything perfectly. We all make mistakes and that’s ok, just try to learn from them.
You’re human, so let yourself be human.