As a child I never thought I ever be able to be in a relationship, to feel love further than family. In my last post I mentioned that I had divorced parents, I come from a broken home. I don’t know why my parents got divorced, I guess it just doesn’t matter, it won’t change what happened, it won’t bring them back together, it won’t make them love each other again.
They split when I was just a few years old, I don’t remember a life with both my parents living in the same house.
Both my parents found someone new. My Dad’s with a lovely woman who I am happy to call my step mum, I couldn’t have asked for him to be with a better person after years of pain. They’ve just celebrated their 10 year anniversary and are happy.
My mum however, is a different story. Things started out good, but after 16 years he’s gone. It’s too soon to go into details but it was this station with this man that put me off ever having a relationship. If that’s what loved looked like, I wanted no part of it.
I wasn’t brought up in a house where it was normal, it wasn’t ok. Walking around of egg shells constantly, that every time we were in the car my brother and myself both made sure we had our headphone to drown out the arguments. My boyfriend came round to my house one day when Mum’s partner wasn’t in. It wasn’t till after he’d got the bus home that I realised that he was the first friend that had came round to my house in over 3 years. It was hard not even being able to go into our garden in the summer without having a fight on our hands. That we couldn’t leave.
If that’s what loved looked like, I wanted no part of it.
By some miracle I met someone. Someone amazing, kind, and understanding. Someone who was willing to fight when my body and mind just couldn’t anymore. They’re slowly showing me what love is, but I know they get frustrated, upset and disappointed with me. But they’re still here and for that I’m grateful.
Today though my mind can’t help but wonder what’s going to happen to my family.
When mum’s partner was still with us I wrote a poem on a car ride home. They were arguing again and my headphones just weren’t enough. I remember looking out of the window, passing other cars where there were no arguments, no power struggles, where they were happy.
Something that others look forward to I dread,
Made difficult by your stubborn solid head.
Arguments don’t fully bloom but the seeds are still there.
Love just isn’t something that you spare.
Lies you tell, saying that you care.
How long will my actions be viewed by your sight?
Opaque mind trying understand light.
Perhaps the window you view from is unclean.
Every chance you get, you stamp out her hearts sunbeam.
In moments like this I just want someone who understands. Someone who knows what it’s like for your parents to be divorced, someone who knows what it’s like living in a house with a bad relationship, someone who know the pain that is caused when they leave.
Someone who knows and has experienced the anger, the pain, the distrust that follows.
Someone who gets it.