When the ground falls.

Today has by far been to most painful day I’ve experienced in a while.

On Tuesday’s I spend the beginning of my day in counselling. I’ve been having sessions for just over a year now and has always been a bit iffy from the very start.

I guess I never really wanted to see a councilor, in fact I fought it for a long time. In my eyes, only depressed business people saw counselors and that you would be sitting on a lonely couch in a sterile room as some shrink asked you how you felt when your cat died last year. None of this sounded appealing to me in the slightest.

But when I went to see my GP about my eating issues she had to refer me on to an organisation called CAMHS, the NHS’s child and adolescent mental health service. Continue reading “When the ground falls.”

Good week, bad day. 

It’s been a whilse since my last post hasn’t it?

Turth be told I haven’t really known what to talk to you all about, it’s been a very challenging month. Despite a lot happening, I just didn’t feel able to round it up with a possitive pink bow for you all.

It’s really been hard.

I had a panic attack again today, thank fully not a big one but enough to leave me in a mess. 

I don’t usually come into college on Thursdays but today I had to. We’re selling at the town market tommow as part of the business course and I’m selling hand made candles. So I was up at my usual 6:20 and off to that dreaded place.

One of my main issuesis that I can’t handle a change of routine. So when my tutor says I’m done and go home, hours earlier than I had planned,my brain kicked into overdrive.

It sounds so silly right, a little change could freak me out that much?

I guess it was a combination of a routine change, being in a new class room, not having acess to my lunch card and being told I could leave earliy that caused me to get into a tizz. Infact this tizz was so bag that I couldn’t leave the class room.

I was too scared to leave the room.

I’m not sure what I was scared off but I ended up sitting at a table for an extra hour unable to leave. When I finall got to the place of stepping out the room I had to dash to the toilets as a full panic had taken a hold. After a calm down I tried to take controll and make my way home and to my bus stop, but I didn’t get too far.

I’ll spare you the details of what happened next, but I found myself sitting in the park. It’s usually full of dog walkers but today it was empty, giving me the chance to break down and cry. What I didn’t realise was that a medical contidition I have that effects my circulation had taken a hold and impacted my hands whilst my head was a mess and I was in a surprisingly large amount of pain. 

So that sucked.

I’m sitting in a warm cafe at the moment, that I deem my ‘safe place’ in town where I run to when something has gone wrong and now talking to you guys. I’ve just warmed my hands up and got them back to normal where I can type.

Aside from the increasing panic attacks and having them two Thursdays running, these few weeks have had some amazing moments. I’ve eaten for 9 days running what’s a new record. I even got to speak to a room of about 35 Chirstitans about my testamony on Tuesday, what I loved. The situation at home might not be imporving but a family member who I was concered about has finally started to seek help and see someone what is a big step in the right direction.

These few weeks haven’t been terrible. But right now all I want to do is focus on how bad today was and cling to the feeling of failure. 

Instead, I’m challenging myself to try and hold into the positives, sure today was horrible, but that doesn’t change all the good things that have happened. 

So yes, today was bad but I’m refusing to let that spoil my smile too much. 

 

 

 

One of the best tips I’ve been given.

So remember a while back that I wrote a post called coffee shops and counselling? I really liked doing a little reflection from my sessions, I found that it really helped me get my thoughts together afterwards. So Today I’m back in my favorite coffee shop, Liar Liar, doing another one.

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So I may have hit a little bit of a stumbling block a few days back and have been a having a little bit of a hard time getting myself back on track. A challenge that I’ve been walking through as part of my sessions is how many days in a row I can eat ‘normally’ for. I manged 4 days then last week had that little stumble and only managed 3. Despite the stumble, these numbers are such big achievement for me, they really are and I’m really pleased with them.

Today after discussing what went wrong last week and working on some new techniques on how to cope if what caused me to stumble happens again,(my name for my counselor on my blog) set a big step for me.

Go 5 days eating normally.

Instead of being horrified by this, I’M REALLY EXCITED.

I really can’t believe that I’m excited that I’m going to be trying to eat properly for such a long time. What is wrong with me?

For those of you who have never experienced the black lash of an ED, this might seem like such a simple, easy thing that you an do without even thinking. But for me, this is going to be so hard, I know this. S had told me that this will be a challenge and I have come to terms with this already.

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I don’t know about you, but everyone I’ve spoke to in either the counseling or medical profession have always used the image of cars when it comes to fighting an eating disorder.

One of the first things my Doctor said to me when I was fist referred with a suspected eating disorder was this,

Will your car work if you don’t put petrol in it? No, it’ll stop working. Your body is the same thing, you might hate eating but at the end of the day your body is like that car. If you don’t put fuel in it you will stop working.

I’ve battled with this for a while. Those closest to me will know that even despite have a qualification in science, I still will always question WHY? when i’m told to eat. Why do I need to eat? Why can’t I live off 1200 calories (No, I don’t eat that little everyday, my daily average has gone up so it’s now closer to 2000).

S told me this today, and it’s a really good little tip to remember when I’m struggling.

Your body is going to be the best vehicle you’re ever going to have and it’s going to have to last you a long time.

Your body is a Ferrari. Some people have lorries, but your’s is a Ferrari, so you look after that vehicle and it’ll take you far

It sounds so silly right?

But it makes so much sense. When you push back all the layers you get to one simple thing, your body is such a gift, its the best vehicle you’ll ever have and you’re going to have it for the rest of your life. You’ve been handcrafted by God, who does NOT make mistakes.

So when things get bad, strip things down to the raw basics. Your body is like a car, if you don’t put fuel in it, it will not run. Don’t think of it as food, think of it as fuel.


It’s early days, I only just heard this little pearl of wisdom today and I have no idea how it will work out. But right now, I feel a little bit more optimistic about the next 5 days and if I can reach my goal. I won’ kid myself for a second that this will be easy to do, because it won’t be.

But I can try.