Finding Him in the mess

 

Life is a messy bed room.

You claim to know where everything is hiding, you know where everything is, but when someone asks you to find the phone charge you borrowed last week off them and put it in your room, you suddenly can’t find it. In fact you can find everything except the phone charger. Who else has experience this?

Your messy bed room is comforting. Full of your possessions, they bring back memories of days gone by. The photo that hangs on your wall reminds you of the day you went out for a meal with your friends the week before one of them left to live in Australia. But when it’s night-time and you need to go to the toilet, you stumble and trip over your memories and possessions. In times of light and day your room is comforting but in the dark nights it is a hinderance that will probably end up with you tripping up and breaking your neck.

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My life is a messy bed room.

My life is something I claim to know where everything is, but I can’t find the one thing I’m after. I can’t find God in my life, I can find everything but God.

My life is full of comforts and memories, people of my past. A pleasant memory in the good days but a optical when dark days come.


I had been praying for a long time for a mentor, someone I could talk honestly with, someone I could ask questions and ask for prayer.

God was gracious and answered my prayers.

I’ve been talking to her about things that had been happening more closer to home, what had been going off in church, my family, in my relationships.

I told her that I was struggling to see God in what was happening, how I was struggling to see how God was in control of a situation that is only getting worse. I said I knew that  needed to keep my eyes on Jesus but it was so hard, I was confused.

In response she sent me this passage to look at.

Matthew 14:22-33

New International Version (NIV)

Jesus Walks on the Water

22 Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. 23 After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray.Later that night, he was there alone, 24 and the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it.

25 Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake.26 When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.

27 But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”

28 “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”

29 “Come,” he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

32 And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. 33 Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”

She told me that sometimes in out Christian faith we have to fix our eyes on Jesus when the storms comes.

The one night I’d had a particularly painful conversation with a family member. By the end of the night I was sitting on my messy bed room floor, as the rest of the house slept, crying. Whilst the conflict was resolved I was still confused. I didn’t know who to trust, what to trust or what to do next. This wasn’t something that I could just brush under the rug and hoped it went away.

I was having a bit of a rant at God, I was listing everyone that I couldn’t trust and why I couldn’t trust them. I was honest about my pain and just went for it. In the mists of listing everyone I couldn’t trust two simple quite words made their way to the front of my mind.

Trust me

It cut my rant short I can tell you that much.

In a messy life where there was few to trust there was someone I could trust, God.

I could trust his word, his unfailing love, his grace, his power, his kindness.

I can trust him.

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Sometimes in our walk with God we just need to fix our eyes on him, root ourselves in his word, his promises to us.

I struggle with this, I won’ lie. But it’s something I need to do. It’s something a lot of us need to do.

When I say root ourselves in him I don’t just mean read the bible either.

It’s not about reading the bible. It’s about getting to know the author

I heard this on the radio a few days ago and it really made an impression on me. How many times had I picked up the bible and started reading because it was the christian thing to do? How many times I had I brought my bible to church but it had never left my bag? If you asked my church I don’t think any of them would know I brough my bible with me every week. How many times have I reached for my phone and not the word of God in times of trouble and sadness?

Maybe the reason why I couldn’t find God in my messy bedroom was because I wasn’t truly searching for him. I was letting myself get distracted by material things that surrounded me. Instead of relentlessly going through the piles of junk in my room, pulling the wardrobe out from the wall to look behind it, I was only skimming my eyes over the mess and deciding that if God wasn’t surrounded in big flashy lights saying ‘I am here’ then he wasn’t in my room.

Maybe I wasn’t really looking.


So how do you find him in the mess?

You search for him.

You tie your hair back, push the curtains aside, open the window and let fresh air in, with bin bag in hand and you search. You clear out your room of the junk, of the mess, the pointless things. You listen to worship music and dance, you seek him with all you’ve got and you soak yourself in his word.

Don’t wait for spring, do it now.

 

Helping someone with an Eating Disorder

I’m going to start this off with a bit of a disclaimer. 

I am not a professional, I am not a doctor, I am not a therapist or anyone who is qualified in eating disorders. However, I am someone who suffers from one. What I’m going to be talking about today are the things I have come across with my own recover and my own frustrations with the people who have been kind enough to help. I am, however, going to put some links bellow to some trusted websites where you can get professional advice of how to support someone with an eating disorder at the end of this post.


October marks a year since I was officially told I had anorexia.

The past year has been full of half-hearted attempt of recovery, relapse, laughter and tears.

Usually when I talk about my recovery I aim my posts to those who might also be suffering themselves with an eating disorder. Today though is a little different.

I want to talk to those who are helping someone with an ED.

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I’ve had some amazing people walk along side me during this year. Throughout it all they’ve been there. However, there are somethings people have done that are counter productive.

There are a lot of resources that tell you things TO DO when helping someone with an ED but very little on the small niggly things that can be the straw that breaks the camels back.

So bellow are my peeves and fustrations that I’ve come across in my year of recovery. It’s not an inclusive list but I hope it can shed some light on how to help someone a little better.

I hope it helps.


It’s not about you.

I love helping people, if you ever need someone to talk to please message me.

But if you’re helping someone with an ED, please don’t be offended when I say It’s not about you. 

One thing that really makes things worse is when you’re opening up to someone and they make it all about them.

I’ve had people say to me I was thinner than you when I was your age or When I was younger I had writs smaller than you do or even Well I used to weigh Xkg.

Please do NOT do this!

Even something that you belive might help them, for example saying “You’re not fat, I weigh X amount more that you.” doesn’t help, I’m sorry.

I can understand it you’re just trying to relate to them, to make them feel less alone but please stop. If you have perviously had a ED and are recovered cool, let them know what helped, but don’ make it about you. Don’t make them feel bad and for crying out loud don’t tell them what you weight. Eating disorders are the most competitive mental illness going, we will turn it into a competition unintentionally.

If someone feels confident enough to open up to you about their struggles, be honoured. It takes a lot of trust in you for them to do that. Please don’t break their trust by using it as a opetunity to make it all about you.

Junk food.

Ugh, junk food.

I used to love the stuff and chances are you do too.

But notice how I said I used to love it?

You’re going to want to offer the person you’re supporting all the junk food possible. If they’ve been struggling for a long time chances are they’ve lost weight and all you want to do is give them fatty sweet food to try and get them to put weight on fast and I don’t blame you.

But if you give someone with anorexia a doughnut they’re probably not going to eat it.

You think you’re being kind giving them sugary food but you’re not. I’m sorry.

Try offering them healthy food instead.

One of my friends used to offer me a chocolate bar everyday and I’d always refuse it. There was no way I was putting something with that many calories into my body. However, I had a friend who used to bring in almonds to college almost everyday and she’d offer me them. Want to know something awesome? when I felt able to, I’d eat them. I saw no harm in eating an almond, so I’d have one. A few weeks later I felt able to eat two or three. When I was eating more this friend would every now and then offer me half of their GoAhead bar and I would eat it. In the next few weeks I began to feel able to eat a full bar to myself, but I’d still decline the chocolate bar.

It was a slow process but in the end I was beginning to have snacks at college, as long as they were healthy.

Try healthy food first, healthy snacks. I’m not saying that they’re going to start eating suddenly just because you’ve offered them a strawberry. But they’re more likely to eat something healthy than a doughnut or a chocolate bar.

Give them time before you buy them a doughnut.

Tough love?

My opinion on tough love?

It’s the wrong approach.

There might be a time when you have to put your foot down and be firm with them. I fully appreciate and understand this. But don’t use it all the time.

Don’t shout at them for not eating, don’t take away their privileges, don’t be horrible.

Last winter when it was bitterly cold and we had no heating I slept without a blanket because I felt like I didn’t deserve one.

When it’s raining I didn’t wear a coat and got cold and wet because I felt that I didn’t deserve to wear a coat.

I’ve denied myself from going to see my Doctor before because I felt that I didn’t deserve it.

I didn’t deserve food.

I didn’t deserve love.

I didn’t deserve kindness.

I didn’t deserve God.

Notice the pattern?

How is you shouting at them going to make them belive they deserve love? How is you threatening them going to make them feel that they deserve kindness? How is being horrible going to make them feel like they deserve recovery?

They hate themselves enough as it is, don’t add to it.

Diet talk.

An eating disorder is not a diet, it is not a fad, it is not a sign of vanity and it is not a form of seeking attention.

It is a lethal mental illness.

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In the past I’ve ‘gave in’ and ordered food with my friends. I’ve ordered the healthiest thing on the menu and sat down. I’d only been sat down for a few seconds when one of them starts talking about the diet that they’re on. They’d tell me about how many calories that they’ve eaten today, how fattening the food is. It wasn’t too long till two other pipped up and started talking about their past diets.

I didn’t eat anymore of my food, I don’ think I ate anything else that day.

I’m not saying that you can’t talk about food round someone with an ED, what I’m saying is that diet talk is very triggering and that you need to be considerate.

It’s like smoking. Say you’re wanting to quit smoking, you’ve done great so far and haven’t touched a cigarette in a week. You decide you’re going to go out with your friends and catch up with them all. You’re all waiting at a bus stop and one pulls out a cigaret from their pocket and lights it up. You’ll immediately want a cigarett won’t you? It doesn’t matter that you’re trying to stop, you know it’s bad for you, but you can’t help but crave one.

The same goes with diet talk. It’s as triggering as a cigarette to someone who is trying to quit smoking.

Another thing is DO NOT ASK THEM FOR DIET ADVICE! It’s really insulting.

How are you?

“How are you?”

Fellow Britts you will know my frustrations with this question. I think it’s some unspoken law that in the UK when someone asks you “How are you?” you have to answer with “I’m fine thanks.”

Maybe it’s just the UK that does this, maybe it’s global, I don’t know.

The point is that it’s rare this question is answered honestly. Sure, there are people in my life who I know will ask me this question and mean it, my mum and boyfriend being pretty good examples. But let’s be real. People don’t answer this question honestly.

There has been times where I’ve been asked how I am and the first thing that comes to mind is

“I’m feeling crap, I want to rip my skin off, I am a fat whale of a b*tch and I am done with life”

Of course I didn’t say this out loud, my reply was

“I’m fine thanks, how are you?”

You can’t make someone tell you how they are. But you can give them the opportunity to speak, and no, simply asking how they are doesn’t count. Sit down with a cupa, walk the dog together, do something that gives you the time to invest into a full honest conversation. There’s no certinty they’ll want to talk about their ED but spending quality time with someone is never wasted time.

Talking about it and knowing that someone is bothered about you go a long way in reducing the isolation that an ED can bring.

You can not make them recover

I’m sorry, it’s painful but true.

You can’t make them recover, you can only love them.

You can’t make thedecision  for them, but you an decide to walk with them.

You can decide to care for them

You can decide to be patient with them.

You can decide to hold them.

Recovery is a decision , it’s a hard one. I’m only just starting the road of true recovery, of real recovery. But it’s not your decision to make.

Look after yourself.

So lets talk about you.

People with big hearts tend to suffer the most damage. The closer you get to someone who is hurting, the more likely you are to get hurt by them.

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From Pinterset

I think that sums it up pretty well.

You want to help them right?

You’re going to be no use to them is you are tired, worn down and cranky. If anything, if you’re that worn down chances are you could snap at them unintentionally and undo any good work or progress you’ve made together.

Take care of yourself.

Give yourself time out.

Talk to someone if needed.

Keep you safe and ok.

Thank you. 

And finally, Thank You!

Thank you for helping someone, thank you for walking along side them, for being a shoulder to cry on.

You’re playing a big part in their recovery and potentially saving their life. Remember, it is a potentially lethal illness.

So I just want to say thank you.

Who ever you’re helping might not be in the position to thank you right now. They might not even recognise what you’re doing for them. But carry on in the hope that one day they will look back with thanks as they realise how you’ve walked with them every step of the way.

They might not be able to say thank you, but I can.

You’re an amazing, inspiring, kind-hearted person. You’re the type of person that gives me a glimpse of hope in the madness of this world. So THANK YOU!

Useful links

I’m not a professional or qualified in eating disorders, but these guys are. If you need some more information check out these websites.

Beat – https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/recovery-information/supporting-somebody

Tastelife– http://www.tastelifeuk.org/get-help/concerned-for-someone/is-recovery-possible/

NEDA– https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/help-support/parent-family-friends-network

ABC– http://www.anorexiabulimiacare.org.uk/family-and-friends

Small talk

For those who have been following me on twitter, you will know that I’ve been binge watching Ted Talks these past few days.

There’s something about these talks that I love, they have such an amazing variety of stuff, some make you belly laugh, others leave you on the verge of tears but what they all have in common is that they make you think. I really love watching them.

I was watching one about small talk what you can check out here .

The purpose of this talk was about skipping the small talk and forming deep meaningful connections with people, something that I struggle with.

In honesty, I can’t stand small talk. I want to go for the deep stuff. I’m not to bothered what you had for dinner last night or what item of furniture your cat just broke (but if you have a video of said cat doing something stupid, then you’ve got my attention). I want to know you and that includes you guys, my small happy army of readers (You’re all awesome!!).

I want to know you.

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So after watching this talk it was time for class, and by class I mean sit in a room with only half the class present as the supply tutor plays on the computer. Two of the guys were on the windowsill, myself and my friend were on our phones and one of the other guys was on the computers. As no one was talking I decided to ask the question that was discussed in the Ted Talk.

“What do you want to do before you die?”

One of them looked very taken back by the suddenness of the question, but hey it’s me, they should be used to it by now.

This sparked off a really nice conversation, one guy wanted to go skydiving before he died and others simply didn’t know. We even managed to ask the supply tutor what he though and he wanted to meet people from different cultures, an answer none of us was expecting.

It was quite amazing how much I found out about my classmates by just asking one question. I learned that the quietest guy in the class was so family orientated it was unreal, that if he was to die tomorrow he said he’d go to Burger King then spend the night with his family.

Another said that he’d buy a plane ticket and travel the world.

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This got me thinking though.

What would happen if we just skip the small talk and just spoke?

I love talking to people about God but it’s such a big topic to approach with anyone, I even struggle talking to other Christians about it. But how amazing would it be if I just asked? How much more could I grow if I just let go of my fears and ask the big questions.

So I’m going to leave you with a question today.

What would you do if you knew that you were going to die tomorrow? 

 

 

Things I learned from a feral kitten

Yes you did read the title right, I did say feral kitten.

Last night my brother brought back a kitten from work, a very angry, scared kitten.

He is a ranger at a Nation Trust property. One day by their workshop they discovered some kittens. These guys weren’t your average domesticated kitty’s though, these were the equivalent of farm cats. They had no contact with people and hunted for their own food, the ones that will try to claw your face off if you try to pet them.Wild moggys are great for keeping the mice population down in the castle, so they decided to leave them and let them do what they were designed to do, hunt and kill.

My brother told me about them a week or two ago and we thought nothing more of it, untill last night.

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Meet our latest house guest.

This angry, hissing, spitting, ball of rage is one of the kittens from the castle. Unlike the others though, it wasn’t from the workshop. This little was found alone by some dustbins on its last legs.

As tough as my brother acts, he has a soft heart so he volunteered to take the kitten to the vets to see if it could be helped. It was estimated that the little thing was only about 7 weeks old. With no mum or strength, there was no way it could hunt and would be dead within the nest few days due to the cold nights and lack of food.

As mentioned before though, cats are good at the property as it keeps the rodent population down, so it as decided that the kitten would be helped and one day let back onto the property. This is where my brothers big heart got the better of him and he volunteered to look after the mite untill Monday where he’s pass it on to one of his work colleges as she wanted a turn with the kitten.

That’s how we ended up with the small ball of rage in our home.


Here’s the thing though.

We have been trying to look after this kitten. We’ve been feeding it, giving it kitten milk from the shop, made it a home in a big cardboard box with a ticking clock, put a hot water bottle wrapped in blankets in with it so it can have some sort of warmth, but its terrified of us. All it does is hiss, spit, growl and swipe at us and let me tell you something, kittens have sharp claws.

This is too be expected.

In its short life, it’s never been cared for, it’s never been looked after or had interaction with humans.

It’s terrified of us and all it can do is defend itself from people who’s trying desperately to keep it alive.


It’s amazing how something so small can teach us such a big lesson.

From pinterest
From pinterest

In some ways I saw a lot of my own behaviors in that kitten.

Have I been looked after and cared for throughout my life? Yes, 100%. However, I have been very independent when it came to my problems.

Take my anxiety as an example.

As my anxiety increased over the past 7 years, I ran and isolated myself. Like the kitten found alone behind some bins, I had done the same and just like the kitten I hadn’t had the strength or life experience to survive. I developed anorexia and have been in a bad way physically for a while.

But then someone found me.

I’ve known God for 2 years but recently it feels like I’ve been found again. Gods scooped me up and taken me to safety.

Just like that kitten, who has us as a family trying to help it, I have people around me trying to help in the form of my church. But I’ve never had a church before. I’ve never had this sort of friendship and if I’m honest, it’s terrifying.

I’m left lashing out and pushing people away from my church because I’ve never had a church before. It’s new and scary and I don’t like it, my anxiety is seriously getting the better of me.

The doubts, the fear, the confusion, the suspicion, the anger and the pain just leaves me hiding away from this group of people who ultimately just want to help.

The saddest thing is, I’ve only just saw this.


I have no idea how to let them in though.

I’m really worried and scared.

I’m lonely and on my last legs. I’m fighting my eating disorder every day, I’ve gained weight and am slowly becoming healthier. It’s a slow process but I’m taking the right steps to get better.

However, my anxiety has shot through the roof and it’s the worst it’s ever been in all of my life.

I’m a mess.

I feel like a terrified, small, vulnerable kitten who hasn’t got a clue wha to do next. I want to hide in a small dark space and defend myself from anyone who gets too close.

But I’m so lonely and completely unable to get through this on my own.

I’m desperate for friendship and meaningful relationships, especially with my church.

But I don’t know what to do.

Impossible tasks, strangers and a blessing

Ever read the bible, hear an amazing testimony or see a healing and think “Wow, that’s amazing.” but then you stop but you can’t help but think “but it’s never going to happen to me though.” Ever thought that?

Yeah, I have too.

I’ve read so many times about God providing for people, I’ve heard so many testimonys where God has provided in such amazing supernatural ways or in small, simple but impactful acts of kindness. The bible is full of that kind of stuff and if you ask around at church you’ll probably find that people round you would have had some amazing God encounters too. However, I know that I’ve always doubted that God would do anything like that for me. I’ve never truly accepted that he cares and unconditionally loves me. I’ve always believed that I have to do things in my own strength because God wasn’t bothered in my insignificant life. Sadly, I know I’m not the only one who believes these lies either.


Today though I can say with confidence that God will provide, that he cares and loves you unconditionally and that you don’t have to do things in your own strength anymore because your life is so important to him.

(This post is going to be lengthy but I ask that you stick with me n this one till the end, I promise you won’t be disappointed.)


On Saturday I’d finished work in a low mood, it’d been a quiet and easy day but I wanted nothing more than to go home, hide in my bedroom and wrap myself in my own self pity (something that had sadly became a regular thing for me). However, this week I didn’t have this option, my mum and family friends were going to an evening even at a church that none of us had ever been to before. It was publicised as a night of just worship and I got dragged along to this.

We were a bit uncertain going in there, we were one of the first people in this big room and we really didn’t know anyone there. This being said, I can state with confidence that it was the most free, open worship I have ever seen in my life. It was a solid two hours of worship and I have no idea how the people leading it could sing for that long. Not once did people stop praising God and wow, God did really move. The Holy Spirit was there and moving in ways I’d never seen before, even after going to New Wine for 4 years I’d never seen anything like that before. Unlike New Wine and Revival Alliance (another even I was at recently) there wasn’t thousands of people there. There couldn’t have been more than 30 people there.

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About half way into the evening, I just happened to look behind me and make eye contact with a young woman. Like most, I don’t really enjoy making eye conact with strangers so after a quick smile, that was returned, I looked away.

Not too long after though, I felt a tap on my shoulder, I turned around to find the same woman, and a guy I was assuming to be her partner, she asked me if they could get past. It struck me as odd at the time that she walked down the aisle that I was in ( I find worshiping very difficult if I’m boxed in with rows of chairs so I try to find a way to be in the aisle) as I was the only person in the entire place who was blocking an isle. There were many other routes that they could have gone down to get to the free seats in front of us. But I shrugged it off and moved, but weirdly as the night went on, I found myself feeling the need to talk to her.

Near the end of the night we, as a group, all joined together in a big cluster to pray for London, as those of you who follow the news will know about the awful attacks that have been happening. At this point I was still feeling the need to go talk to her, so I spilt off from the people I was with to go be closer. Can I just mention how out of character this was for me, I tend to avoid people when I’m in a new environment and I most certainly don’t split off from the safely of the group that I’m with.

Eventually after a pretty powerful time of prayer, people were praying in tongues and it was just amazing, some of us started to break away from the main bunch, myself included. I wanted to be part of the group who were praying but I felt that I had done my part.

This is when God showed me just how much he cares.


Remember how I said I wanted to talk to this girl?

Turns out I didn’t have to stress myself about approaching her because she approached me!

I leaned that her name was Sonyia, she was brought up originally in a Sikh household till her family came to know God and she was there with her brother, who shared a great testimony involving KFC, and a guy whom I’m assuming to be her boyfriend. She told me that God had been prompting her to speak to me all evening, hence her going the awkward route to her seat, it involved briefly talking to me.

We sat down and got talking. God had highlighted three things to her that involved me FEAR, FRIENDS and ACCOUNTABILITY. These three thing are areas that I’ve been struggling with secretly for the past months, especially in the last two weeks.

She said that I had to let go of my fears, that I’d been giving them up to God but was still fearful and worrying about them. By holding onto them she said it was like I wasn’t fully trusting God and that I just had to LET GO.

Give it to God, trust that he’s got it and just let it go.

Fear and friends fall hand in hand. I keep how lonely I feel very quite. It’s not something I enjoy discussing. I have a loving boyfriend who I know I can trust and rely on, and a beautiful amazing friend from college who had just started university this year. These pair mean an awful lot to me but I still wrestle with myself about the friends I’ve left behind. School friends, dance partners, shooting partners, people who have been in my life for 13+ years but suddenly dropped of the face of the planet.

I’ve never told anyone just how badly I torment myself with the people who are no longer in my life it was one of my little secrets, but Sonyia knew. She called her brother over and the pair prayed with me very specifically about it. In the past few days I’ve managed to let go of a lot of people who I’ve been using to torment myself. It’s been scary but freeing. 

The final one was accountability. This one is more self explanatory than the others but at the same time very personal to me. One day I might come back and talk to you all about this one with a God glorifying testimony, but for now the details of this one is between God and myself.

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Another thing that was touched on were my ‘excuses’. These were something that I’d never shared with anyone before.

It’s amazing how God can use a compleat stranger to show just how much he know about your life, it was a moment where I believed that I was someone to God. I wasn’t insignificant or forgotten. God knew about me and he used Sonyia to show me that.

We approached my views on leaving my comfort zone, how I would allow myself to become distracted, how I spoke, how I worshiped, prayer, seeking God honesty and my fears. We touched on 16 areas where I had deeply rooted excuses. Those subject areas might sound like positives ones but over the two years they had been twisted to become excuses as to why I couldn’t grow with God.

Soynia was very real with me and gave me a polite, kind ticking off whilst at the same time ripping my excuses to shreds. It sounds brutal but I’d needed it so much. We finished up with the prayer that I’d been desperate for since New Wine.

Then something amazing happened.


We were talking about what I wanted to do in the up coming years and I mentioned that I wanted to do a discipleship gap year before I headed off to University. I mentioned off hand that it was impossible as it’d cost £3000 minium and as a student I couldn’t generate that much money in under a year.

This sparked another polite ticking off about that fact that the words impossible should never be in the same sentence. She finished off by saying “God will stay true to his promises and will provide for you and that includes financially.” As soon as those words left her lips someone picked up the mic and said,

“I’ve had a word and I was just wondering if anyone in the room has a worry about finances as I think God would like to do something with it.”

Sonyia and myself looked at each other in shock. You couldn’t have planed that sort of timing. I wasn’t originally going to raise my hand but she reassured me it was God and it was something I needed to do.

Very fearfully I raised my hand and promptly got handed the mic.  For someone who LOVES public speaking, I can say that I really didn’t like talking about it because I believed that God didn’t want me doing the discipleship year and I was just wasting everyone’s time by talking because surly that word wasnt for me, but with a bit of encouragement I explained to them what I had told Sonyia only seconds before.

I expected them to just say “oh ok, cool” and be done with it. However, this wasn’t the case. Adam, the person who led the worship, explained that he was in a similar situation not too long ago when he was planning on going to bible college but God provided. Then he did something I never expected.

He said that they were going to take an offering.

I’d not too long ago stopped crying, the things that Sonyia had been saying previously had gave me the freedom to let myself cry in the company of a stranger, but watching a room full of strangers go over to a bucket, putting in money for me to do this course reduced me to tears again.

Then when I was handed the bucket and they prayed for me, I couldn’t stop crying. I never believed that God would want me to do the discipleship year. I’d been praying for so long asking guidance on wether I should go to University or do the year with God and I never expected an answer. I didn’t expect to be handed an envelope of money (I gave them their bucket back) from a room of strangers with the words “From Jesus” on the front.

The generosity of strangers was amazing. Even on the way out a young man named Sam passed me in the hallway and handed me £20. He was in the room when we were praying and realised he didn’t have any money on him so he went to the cash point to draw money out. He didn’t look like he had a lot of money but God stirred his heart.


I’m a faceless person in a sea of people.

I’m someone you pass on the street.

I’m not special.

There’s 7 billion people on this planet, I’m noting more that a little spec in time.

But God still knows me. He knows my worries, my secret excuses and he knows my needs and he provides. 

Want to know the best part?

He knows you too. He knows your worries, your strengths, weaknesses, he knows your needs before you even utter a word and he loves you unconditionally.

I have no idea what you’re going trough at the moment, or where you are in your walk with God. But no matter what, be reassured that he loves you and nothing you can do will ever change that.