Saturday is always a hard day for me.
I’m privileged enough to have a Saturday job at a great company with some great people. Being able to have a job whilst studying has been a great help in bringing in a little bit of money that’s given me a small step in becoming independent. This being said, its always a hard day.
Despite having anxiety, I don’t struggle too much with answering the phone or talking to anyone who comes in. Can it be difficult? Sure. But I manage. What really hits me though is eating at work.
You would think having a semi structured environment when it came to breaks and lunch time would help. Sadly though it’s not the case. Eating at work is hard and part of me hopes it is for others as well simply because it feels like such a silly thing.
My problems start the night before where the tasks of making tomorrows lunch arrives. Have you ever come across the idea that the best time to go food shopping is straight after you have eaten? This is because you’re already full up so you will be thinking about what food will be the most logic and needed and not buying food because you’ve listened to your stomach what can often lead you buying loads of junk food that isn’t needed (but is very yummy). The same went for making food on a Friday night. After tea I was already full up and with a sever dislike for food as it was I really didn’t want to make a lot of food to eat. So this lead to me not bringing a lot of food with me to work.
The next stumbling block was getting up early and dragging myself out of bed and into the shower then having to face the first meal of the day. Breakfast. I have no idea if other people experience this and not just people who struggle with an eating disorder, but eating breakfast is difficult because I often feel very sick in the morning. It could be a concoction of being half asleep, anxiety’s waking up and the fact that I’m faced with food or it could just be a total normal thing that other experience, it’d be great to know though!
Most of the time m breakfast is minimal, this causes a bit of a problem when I’m standing for most the day. Feeling faint every Saturday was a constant for my first 5 months at work. Turns out breakfast is a very important meal.
But I would make it to lunch, very tired, hungry and anxious. Sadly I’d never be full due to my small lunch, sometimes my mum would make it for me if I had needed to sleep earlier what meant it was a lot more nutritious than what I would make myself., but most the time I would try to get away with the minimum. Eating in front of others in the staff room was also an issue. I don’t like eating in front of people, it’s as simple as that.
To others this might not seem like much for me to deem my Saturdays to be hard. I guess everyone’s illness is slightly different
Over coming it.
This morning I was set on taking a stand to my Saturday cycle. Next week I would have been working Saturdays for a whole year. I don’t want this cycle to still be in motion for a second year.
One thing I did a lot when I first gave my life to God and became a Christian (just under 2 years ago) was read my bible every night.
Not going to lie, most of what I read didn’t make sense. However, I was excited and just wanted to know God more. Over time I fell in and out of doing this, sometimes I felt like I was just doing it because I felt like I needed to, other times I felt so unworthy that I didn’t dare pick up my bible because I didn’t deserve God’s grace. I would go through periods where I’d get a spark and I’d study it to the best of my ability, staying up till the early hours of the morning just because I wanted to read more. Then came along distractions where I’d be texting people till late at night and by the time I’d said goodnight to then I was too exhausted to spend a single moment with God.
Now that I’ve decided that this is it and my real recovery starts here, one thing I’ve recognized that gives me peace is being able to spend time with God. This means spending more time with my bible.
Waking up and going to bed with God on my mind.
This morning I wrote a list of what I needed to do to get ready for work. I broke it down to it’s most basic of steps. The list is as follows:
- Get up
- Get ready for work.
- Eat breakfast (A PROPER ONE!)
- Remember to bring a snack to work.
- Pray and read bible.
Breaking down what I had to do that morning really worked. I have a thing for post-it notes so this list was on one of those and as I completed each step I would simply tick it off (there is something oddly satisfying about ticking things off as complete, wouldn’t you agree?). Not only did it help me with actually eating properly this morning, but I was also ready earlier than I have been for a while what was a pleasant surprise.
A second thing that I did was start my day with God. Yes, I know it wasn’t the first thing on my list, I did need to make sure I would be at work on time. Spending some of my morning with God really helped though. It wasn’t a massive bible study that I did, it was only a chapter I read but it took my mind off my anxiety’s and eating disorder and focused my eyes back on God. Whilst eating at work today was still hard, I was a little bit more confident in who I was in God and myself. I was hopeful and exited for things. So yes, eating was hard but in some ways I could push it to the back of my mind.
So that’s my challenge for now, start and end my day with God. It’s something I would recommend others to try as well. Even if nothing major comes out of it, no time with God is ever wasted time.
So if you’re struggling, try breaking it down into small goals, it doesn’t matter if they sound silly and talk to God about it. He’s listing and cares for you.